The Dude has released a spoken-word record designed to send you to sleep. So I tested it out
When it’s barely possible to spend five minutes away from a glowing screen, is it any wonder why many of us have trouble slipping off to sleep? Well next time you’re tempted to pop a sleeping pill or some other unregulated sleep aid, there’s something else you might want to try — and it comes from The Big Lebowski actor Jeff Bridges. Trust me, I feel asleep writing this thing.
The actor’s third album, Sleeping Tapes, is a collection of field recordings, music and a bizarro spoken-word soundtrack meant to help listeners fall asleep or just kick back. The ASMR-heavy album is available for pay-what-you-wish-download via Squarespace, with proceeds benefitting the charity No Kid Hungry. You can listen to the full album for free here.
Given that I’m the kind of girl who wore glorified pyjamas to the office yesterday — it was “a look” — is it any wonder I took so eagerly to Bridges’ call for chilling? So, before turning on the tape I did everything I could to get in the zone: I took a bath, and, lacking the proper ingredients for a White Russian, I had a glass of brandy and another relaxant I’ve heard Bridges no longer partakes in. I put on my pyjamas, slipped under the covers and pressed play. Because if the Dude abides, who am I to disagree?
TRACK 1: "INTRODUCTION (GOOD EVENING)"
Despite the fact that I was seriously relaxed, I was determined not to fall asleep. And at first it’s easy not to. I’m feeling optimistic and just a little creeped out as Bridges bids me to do “some good sleeping, some good dreaming, some good waking up.” He sounds paternal enough never to be sexy again, like a too-young Santa, with a deep laugh and dry mouth. Lullability: Three White Russians
TRACK 2: "SLEEP. DREAM. WAKE UP."
My new buddy Jeff (we’re on a first-name basis now that we’re sleeping together) takes it to the next level here with a muddy chant that leaves me wondering if this is what it’s like to by schizophrenic on a day when the voices are feeling pretty posi. Lullability: One pot brownie just kicking in
TRACK 3: "CHIMES FOR DREAM"
More positive vibes, high-pitched piano this time — this is what I was hoping for when I turned the thing on. In fact, this is the type of sound I would like to wake up to every day. Lullability: Lucid dream about flying
TRACK 4: "HUMMMMMM"
Jeff’s musings on humming and his makeup man are jarring. At first I’m irritated, but it’s atonal and arrhythmic enough to grow on you. Lullability: 4 am infomercial
TRACK 5: "GOODMORNING, SWEETHEART"
“What kind of nice, relaxing sounds might you want to share?” Jeff asks his just-woken-up wife, who sounds exactly as annoyed as I feel. Lullability: AMSR unpacking video
TRACK 6: "SEE YOU AT THE DREAMING TREE"
Q: Who would have thought the sound of children and a guitar being tuned would be relaxing? A: Jeff Bridges, who is probably a better person that I am. Lullability: Other people’s children clamouring to tell you a story
TRACK 7: "A GLASS OF WATER"
Apparently if Jeff Bridges drinks water at night he has to get up a few times to go to the bathroom. Despite knowing this, I’m getting really comfy, just like he suggests. Lullability: A cool drink of water on the nightstand
TRACK 8: "THE RAVEN"
Now Jeff’s going to tell you a story over a stormy soundtrack. Lullability: Having a dramatic bedtime story read to you by an Oscar-winning actor, which is exactly what this is.
TRACK 9: "THE HEN"
It’s time for another story, but this one seems like it would cause some pretty stressful dreams. Lullability: Trying to sleep while your roommate’s new boyfriend plays a free-jazz solo on his tenor saxophone
TRACK 10 "IKEA"
Things get weirder when Jeff shares his post-death plans which include a Spacemetary Eterna-Satellite set to flash its lights when it passes over a memorable location, like Ikea. Lullability: A quick trip on salvia
TRACK 11: "MY KEYS"
The sea, the clouds, the sun and their relative positions — this is something my sleepy self can get behind. Warning: Jeff will kiss you now, so hopefully that’s your kind of thing. Lullability: A long post-coital talk with a very boring lover
TRACK 12: "TEMESCAL CANYON"
Three-quarters of the way through we reach Jeff’s magnum opus, an 11-minute guided meditation. I’m sleepy as he leads me through my mind’s Los Angeles, like “two old friends on a Sunday, we had a nice breakfast and now we’re here.” But all I can do is wonder what Jeff would consider a good breakfast. Whatever it is I bet it’s a really good way to start the day. Lullability: I fell asleep and wake up with no alarm five hours later
TRACK 13: "FEELING GOOD"
Jeff is from L.A, so naturally it’s affirmation time. Everything is good and you order well at restaurants. Lullability: A massage with “strong hands, capable of woodworking”
TRACK 14: "SEEING WITH MY EYES CLOSED"
It sounds like Jeff is getting pretty sleepy as he’s talking mostly about colors. Lullability: Listening to an abstract spoken-word album for 35 minutes
TRACK 15: "GOODNIGHT (WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER)"
This track is all about the “sound of the toilet filling,” which is probably the worst thing to hear when you’re on the verge of nodding off. Lullability: Realizing you really have to pee the moment after you fall into a really good dream
OVERALL LULLABILITY
Yes, I did fall asleep listening to this record, but I don’t know if I’d listen to it again. I mostly felt like Jeff Bridges is probably the world’s coolest dad, and I doubt that he ever has trouble sleeping, or doing anything else.
Listen to Sleeping Tapes here.