For several years now, a deluge of research has found that young people are having less sex; one recent study by UCL found that one in eight 26-year-olds are still virgins, a stark contrast to previous generations who were far more likely to have had sex by their mid-twenties. Against this backdrop, it’s little wonder that Channel 4 have released a brand new show titled Virgin Island, which follows a group of 12 virgins who are whisked off to a “radical retreat” on the balmy Mediterranean coast, where a group of sage sex experts attempt to address their intimacy issues.

As you might expect, there are some toe-curlingly awkward moments. In one workshop led by sexologist Dr Danielle Harel, the virginal participants are asked to try the “up against the wall” exercise, which sees them attempt to push an expert volunteer against a pillar with as much sexual gusto as they can manage. Later on in the series, one participant ejaculates into his boxers after a particularly hot and heavy physical session with his intimacy coach. There’s even a classic reality TV villain: 28-year-old Zac, who takes it upon himself to dole out compliments to all the women in the group, whether they care if he thinks they have a “banging body” or not. Naturally, this all made for 24-karat TV gold.

But the show – which has become Channel 4’s most-streamed format since 2023, with under-35s making up a sizable proportion of viewers – isn’t merely unadulterated titillation. It attempts to answer some big questions: why are so few young people having sex? Why are Gen Z so intimacy-averse? Social media, porn, dating apps, are all (rightly) floated as factors which have likely blunted young people’s ability to form meaningful connections with each other – but mercifully, the show resists the temptation to come to easy conclusions, instead honing in on each participant’s personal journey. Some, like 24-year-old Emma, feel held back by body image issues and low self-esteem, exacerbated by the never-ending highlights reel of social media. Others, like 31-year-old Ben, simply feel unable to get a foothold in the brutal world of online dating.

The show has also made headlines for its depiction of “surrogate partner therapy”, wherein a trained surrogate partner assists a client in addressing their intimacy issues – sometimes by having sex with them – with a talk therapist on hand to help guide both the client and surrogate through the process. Below, we spoke to Virgin Island’s resident surrogate partner therapist Kat Slade about the sex recession, common myths about desire and attraction, and the ethical minefield of surrogate partner therapy.

It’s mentioned on Virgin Island that one in eight young adults in the UK are still virgins, and there’s been a lot of discussion about a ‘sex recession’ for a few years now. Why do you think young people are having less sex?

Kat Slade: There are a lot of reasons for that. Partially, the definition of sex is changing, and the ways that people are having sex is changing. So maybe there’s less conventional intercourse, but people are still having other kinds of sex.

But I also think social media makes it more difficult for people to connect on a person-to-person level. Everything is so mediated through technology now, so when people get in a room together, they don’t totally know what to do. And then the accessibility of porn is huge, and I think that can make people afraid of sex, or think it has to be a certain way. I also think that COVID played a big part: young people were social distancing at a time when they would just be starting to explore [sexually].

Social media creates a performance mindset. People are seeing themselves from the outside, instead of really feeling from the inside in the moment

Going back to what you said about social media, sometimes I worry that society is becoming so appearance-obsessed that it’s harder for young people, especially women, to feel able to be truly intimate with partners. This is something that Emma, Louise, and Taylor all spoke about on the show – how difficult it is to lose yourself in the moment and really connect with a partner when you’re worried about what your body or face looks like.

Kat Slade: I think social media creates a performance mindset. People are seeing themselves from the outside, instead of really feeling from the inside in the moment. So, yeah, I do think that really affects women’s relationship to sex. Everyone’s, really, but particularly women.

What do you think are some common misconceptions people have about desire, attraction and sex? I think we’re led to believe that attraction is this intense thing you feel instantly, and that it should remain at a steady and constant level even over time, but that’s not really been the case in my personal experience. 

Kat Slade: I think the idea that you should just automatically know what a partner wants without having to communicate is a huge misconception. Also, feeling like it should never be awkward is a huge misconception. Plus, knowing the difference between ‘desire’ and ‘a relationship’ is important because, like you said, desire comes and goes, but that’s not really what creates the building blocks of a good relationship. I think people can get those things confused. 

We saw you work with people struggling to lose their virginities on Virgin Island, but what other sort of clients do you work with? Do you ever work with disabled people or people who have sexual trauma, for example?

Kat Slade: I love working with people with less experience, that’s something I do a lot. But yeah, I also really love working with people with a history of sexual trauma. I think this work is really amazing for that. I do work with people with disabilities too – a lot of the time with those clients, I’m helping them kind of mechanically figure out what works for them. The therapy isn’t as long of a process for them, typically.

Would you consider yourself a sex worker, or do you think surrogate partner therapy is different to sex work?

Kat Slade: I feel like there’s a really different focus in surrogate partner therapy. Because you are working in conjunction with a licensed clinician, it changes the type of clients that you get. They want more healing experiences, whereas with conventional full-service sex work, the clients are more interested in a transaction, or at least just a different kind of interaction. I feel like [sex work and surrogate partner therapy] are related, but they’re also really different in that respect.

How do you navigate maintaining healthy boundaries in your work? I imagine it’s easy for clients to become emotionally attached to you.

Kat Slade: The triadic model [with the talk therapist] is super helpful with that. A client will alternate meeting with me and the talk therapist, and so my space is contained through the time of the session and through the container of the work. And we really welcome feelings in that – a lot can happen in that space, and it can be pretty open and fluid, and there can be really big feelings. But then they’re also working with the talk therapist between every session and processing those feelings. The talk therapist really helps to keep the container and to keep the boundaries, and to help the client process what’s going on and generalise it into their life. The focus is always on how the work can be taken out into the world, and less on me.

Does your work ever impact your personal relationships? It must be incredibly physically and emotionally taxing for you.

Kat Slade: It definitely has an impact on my relationships. I’m non-monogamous, so I’m accustomed to a certain amount of openness, but you’re giving a lot of yourself relationally. I think for me, it can be really difficult to know when to ‘turn off’ my professional self, and just surrender and allow in my private relationships. Sometimes I can feel overly needy in my personal relationships too, because I have to give so much in my work relationships. So it definitely has an impact, but it doesn’t necessarily get in the way. I just need understanding partners. 

Desire comes and goes, but that’s not really what creates the building blocks of a good relationship. I think people can get those things confused

In the show, we see Zac become visibly frustrated after one of his sessions with you does not culminate in sex like he wants. How does consent work from your perspective? How do you stay safe when you work? 

Kat Slade: We definitely emphasise two-way consent, because I’m teaching people to be in relationships in the real world. So, if they feel like they can just override my boundaries, that’s probably something they’re doing in the world too, and probably part of the problem that they’re coming up against when they’re trying to be in a relationship. So there’s definitely an emphasis on two-way consent.

Typically, because the work starts so slowly, there is a good foundation of consent and boundaries before we get into any more escalated intimate situations. So if somebody does struggle with boundaries, we will stay in lower levels of the work until they get it. Or if they don’t, then they’re just not a good candidate for the work. So that keeps things safe.

How exactly do you assess whether someone is a good candidate?

Kat Slade: Clients start first with the talk therapist, and a lot of the screening is on their end. So they do a lot of that work, then occasionally something will come up once they start working with me that didn’t come up before in talk therapy. Then, usually, they’ll take a pause from me and just work with the talk therapist until it can be resolved. But most things can be resolved and they can continue the work if they’ve made it through that initial screening.

The idea of surrogate partner therapy is still hotly debated – I know in the UK that the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists doesn’t endorse therapists having sex with clients. What would you say to people who are sceptical about the ethics of it all?

Kat Slade: I think it’s a hugely beneficial practice and a hugely beneficial therapy. There are so many people who, for whatever reason, aren’t able to be in relationships and really need to build those emotional and physical skills, and they just don’t have another way. I feel like this type of therapy is so important and so helpful.