Earlier this month, after a particularly long week and amid a very unserious battle with a pesky head cold, I turned to a friend and asked the question: “Do you ever wish you could take two weeks of annual leave from seeing or socialising with anyone?” She said she thinks about it often. As a usually ‘social person’ (my mum had to pry my hands from the playground at the end of each school day), my longing to spend every spare moment lying horizontally at home has been a relatively new but increasing occurrence. I cherish my deeply fulfilling friendships, and I strongly believe in the importance of nurturing my relationships even when I’m tired. Still, I often feel like I have no hours to spare after showing up for all of the week’s commitments. I realised I wasn’t craving space away from loved ones, but the ability to feel energised enough to relish in their company – more time to truly enjoy my friendships.

According to a new study led by Natalie Pennington of Colorado State University, my exhausted friend and I are not alone. Americans have an average of four or five friends (a number that has held steady since the 70s) but now only spend three hours per week with them, compared to six hours a decade ago. In other words, the growing loneliness epidemic is not about people having fewer friends (less than four per cent of respondents reported having no friends at all), it’s more just a byproduct of “having no time” to foster deeper connections.

Julianna A.S., an artist in Toronto, says she manages to see just one of her five close friends each week. “I miss stillness and having more time,” she says. “I think back to my childhood – I’m an Afro-Caribbean woman with a communal upbringing – and what I saw and experienced growing up is so distant from my reality now.” For Julianna, a young woman working her way up the career ladder, the main time suck for building and maintaining friendships is work: it not only takes up space in her calendar, but also in her mind when she’s off the clock. “I think about it so often – how much time I spend worrying and anxious about business days and bills,” she says. “I don’t want to go out at night because waking up early gives me more time and a clear mind to accomplish more things.” In an internal battle between prioritising productivity and enjoying shared experiences, Julianna feels like we too often give into the “machine’s demand”. “I think it’s tricked us into thinking isolation and hyper-independence are self-preservation, but together is the only way to survive,” she says. America’s rigorous working culture is undoubtedly at play here, with people working hundreds of hours more yearly than Europeans, according to a 2023 report.

There’s always been a relatively expected decline in face-to-face time with friends going from high school or college to the workforce. Still, our current relationship with time and socialising goes beyond that. According to Natalie Pennington, an assistant professor of communication at Colorado State University, even young Americans currently wish they had more time for their friendships. “On one hand, adults absolutely gain additional obligations that make it harder to spend time with people,” she says. “But on the other hand, things happening in society are contributing as well.” This includes a shift in how we communicate with each other. Pennington’s prior research shows that face-to-face communication and voice calls make people feel connected, but texting and video calls are less beneficial (and social media and email do not promote connection or decrease loneliness). It also suggests that many young people feel like they’re lacking valuable social skills after the pandemic. 

Where previous generations may have emphasised the importance of married partnership, many young Americans now consider friends the most important relationship in their lives. In fact, 61 per cent of US adults say having close friends is extremely important to live a fulfilling life, according to a 2023 Pew Research survey, which is far higher than those who say the same about being married (23 per cent). As a result, we may also be expecting an increased level of depth and commitment from our friendships. “You watch all these TV shows about perfect friend groups, and it’s easy to think that you’re supposed to have that,” says Pennington. When the reality is that friendship expectations vary from person to person. Emily Flores, founder of Cripple Media, says she’s often struggled to keep up with the expected amount of communication between friends. “I wish we could live in a world where we could start from less neurotypical styles of communication and allow fluidity to enter our friendships,” she says. “It’s a lot harder for me to reach out, so sometimes sending TikToks to my friends is a low-energy way to stay in touch.” 

We’re living in an era of convenience, and sometimes making friends can feel inconvenient, and we don’t want to bother. Even if we know that it’s ultimately worth it

The many formal (and corporate-adjacent) ways people try to fit friends into their ever-packed work schedules clearly aren't cutting it – like Zoom calls, adding your brunch with the girls to your Google calendar, or even co-working. Paula Macena, a 22-year-old in Los Angeles, says she feels like she can only see her friends when they’re working alongside each other, laptops lined up across the table. “It’s all we have time to do, but we still want to have each other’s company,” she says. “It’s unfortunate that our lives have to revolve around that.” Macena says she’ll alternate through phases of socialising and entering ‘hermit mode’ once she feels burnt out from trying to achieve a work-life balance. “We’re living in an era of convenience, and sometimes making friends can feel inconvenient, and we [young Americans] don’t want to bother,” she says. “Even if we know that it’s ultimately worth it.” There’s no skirting around the fact that most social activities also cost at least the amount of a train fare or Uber home. This is no small obstacle for the more than 60 per cent of Americans living paycheck to paycheck. 

On the other end of the time-poor experience of modern friendship (loving your friends but feeling crushed by the weight of just operating) are those who feel like they have time for socialising but can’t lock anyone into solidified plans. Sarah Crawford, a 30-year-old in Atlanta, says she’s had an overwhelming sense that none of her close friends have time for her lately. “I can’t get them to respond in group chats, have meaningful convos, or hang out as much as I’d like,” she says. “It feels really frustrating, and I have so many moments asking myself: do I expect too much? Are we as close as I thought?” After working to prioritise more intentional living and in-person hangouts in her own life, Crawford feels like she’s watching her friends get stuck on the hamster wheel. “At this point, I’m just hopeful that we will still be able to keep in touch and pick up the friendship again when their lives calm down more, even if it’s years from now.” 

Most Americans seem to at least believe they want the same thing when it comes to friendships: more depth, and more time. The tension then lies in the fact that some people feel like they absolutely can’t (and shouldn’t be expected to) carve out the spare hours, and others believe we should all do our best to push back against the machine. “I understand when friends just need a day to not exist because capitalism is sucking their soul, but I am also struggling and working hard with extra hours clocked in and trying to pay bills and make time for friends,” says Ray, a 32-year-old designer in Michigan who says they consider friends ‘chosen family’ after being disowned by their family for being queer. Ray currently only has two close friends, who they see once or twice a month, so they’re actively looking for new connections on dating apps, at work, and at local game nights. Still, the number one issue they face is that no one wants to make solid plans to leave their house. 

For Ray, having time for quality friendships means enjoying the little things: organising a game night, going on a walk together, grabbing a drink with someone, going into a store you’ve never been into, or even sharing a meal. “I am literally so tired of every meal I have being alone,” they say. “I want to share life with people, not just catch up for five minutes when I run into them at the store.” But many of us, myself included, have become all too accustomed to swiftly replying to our bosses but leaving our loved ones waiting for days, weeks, or months on the basis that they’ll understand (after all, they’re in the exact same boat). We swear we’ll do the game night or “proper catch-up” once the deadlines wane (but they never do) and convince ourselves that next month will somehow be different. After we rest and recover alone – we’ll finally have the time to be a friend.