In 2023, it seems that everything is disposable. Our clothes, our ever-so-slightly outdated technology, and even our romantic partners are frequently sacrificed to the (sometimes metaphorical) landfills that accumulate our biggest mistakes. Among them, rotting out of sight and out of mind, alongside discarded polyblend crop tops and an infinite number of indestructible candy-coloured Lost Marys, is the ‘starter gf’ – an incompatible partner whose sole purpose is to be thrown away.

A ‘starter gf’, as defined by Urban Dictionary, is “the first or second girlfriend a boy has ever had. [She’s] not the best looking, probably not the best in bed, and [she has] a tendency to be overbearing”. It’s a relationship destined to fail, but designed to exist as an easy, attainable gateway into the world of dating. Online, young men and boys are following red-pilled advice urging them to get a starter gf to gain relationship experience that will come in useful for their next partner – one they (hopefully) actually like.

Beginner relationships are not necessarily a new concept, with the term ‘starter marriage’ coined in 1994 to describe a first marriage that lasts less than five years and produces no children. But, what separates the ‘starter gf’ from its matrimonial predecessor is its prominence as a dating tip. While the starter marriage is an accidental ‘mistake’ to be reconsidered in retrospect, the starter gf is an intentional acquisition. And, unsurprisingly, it seems to be a product of our ever-dwindling attention spans.

“This new emphasis on instant gratification and single-use products might be spilling over into how relationships are perceived,” says Ammanda Major, head of clinical practice at the relationship counselling organisation Relate. While millennials were among the first to dip their toes into online dating, Gen Z has only ever existed in a world where it’s the norm. And, according to Major, it may be altering the way they value romantic relationships. “Dating apps like Tinder and Bumble have offered seemingly endless choices, leading some to treat relationships as temporary things that can easily be replaced,” she explains.

The rise of the starter gf represents the pinnacle of a culture that demotes the people we should treasure from equal human beings to interchangeable objects. From therapy-speak texting your way out of being there for your friends, to the ritual of swiping, screenshotting and sharing dating profiles, we’ve slowly dehumanised our interactions with loved ones online, creating a fertile digital environment for the starter gf to bloom.

But why are young people, with long futures of love and heartbreak ahead of them, so desperate to find a partner that they’ll seek out someone they don’t even like? Apparently, it’s yet another residue of pandemic life. Though lockdown may now be a distant (and repressed) memory, fading faster than the ‘two-metre distance’ stickers left forgotten on supermarket floors, its impact on the generation that spent their adolescence indoors can’t be understated. “In some people, this might have created a sense of urgency or a feeling of needing to ‘catch up’ once restrictions were lifted,” says Major, outlining the internal strife of the teenagers that lost key formative years to digital schooling and Zoom socialising. “Starter relationships could be a quick way to gain the dating experience that was missed over the lockdown years.” However, while these experiences may be beneficial for those intentionally seeking starter gfs, they can leave behind a plethora of self-esteem issues for those picked up for the sole purpose of helping their partner gain dating experience, only to be discarded down the line.

“This new emphasis on instant gratification and single-use products might be spilling over into how relationships are perceived” – Ammanda Major, Relate

Harper, who is 17, remembers discovering the term ‘starter gf’ on TikTok while scrolling to distract herself from a recent breakup and feeling a sense of doom as the descriptions slowly outlined the very relationship she was mourning. “A starter gf is someone used just so a guy can say they’ve had a girlfriend. She isn’t too pretty or special, just someone easy to get with,” she explains. “That’s how I felt. I wasn’t good enough to be his first girlfriend, just good enough to be his starter girlfriend.”

Early relationships are historically fickle, and the idea of the starter gf may have previously existed in nameless forms, but the act of defining it and striving to find one speaks to a broader, self-centered dating culture. Dating and relationship expert Sarah Louise Ryan argues that this is a result of the loneliness rife in the post-pandemic world, where education and work still remain partially online. “People are making mistakes in dating because they’re filling a void of isolation,” she explains. “There’s a lack of social confidence after a period of long disconnection with the world, where people feel so frightened to be rejected yet make so many mistakes just so they can feel connected, even if it’s just for the short term.”

Yet when dating advice is spouted from these isolated sources that seek self-validation above mutual respect, it creates an endless cycle of hollow, selfish relationships. And, it’s something that Harper, alongside other self-proclaimed starter gfs, is struggling to shake off. “It significantly lowered my self-esteem and made me view myself as an extension of my ex, something that could be discarded so easily,” she says. “It’s definitely made me more hesitant to put myself out there again because I don’t want to get hurt, I don’t want to be humiliated like I was.”

So despite the promised convenience of the starter gf, there seems to be no quick hack to one day achieving a strong, lasting relationship. And, according to Major, acquiring a partner with the view that they’re disposable will inevitably cause more problems than the experience provided could ever hope to solve. “It‘s vital to remember the importance of respect and sincerity in all relationships, cautioning against treating partners as mere stepping stones,” she says. The solution, therefore, is to strive for more meaningful partnerships, even if it means fighting the uphill battle of patience in a world of instant gratification. To do this, Major offers a final shred of wisdom for anybody considering getting a starter gf: “Every relationship, whether short-lived or long-term, carries emotional significance. Making sure there’s a mutual understanding of what the relationship is to all partners makes it more likely it will be one that everyone enjoys and remembers positively.”

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