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Slayyyter answers your Valentine’s Day DMs on sex and love
Illustration Callum Abbott, Instagram/@slayyyter

Slayyyter answers your Valentine’s Day DMs on sex and love in lockdown

As Dazed’s sex and relationships guest editor, the pop star answers questions on cybersex, healthy communication, and finding your own space during quarantine

TextThom WaiteIllustrationCallum Abbott

This year’s Valentine’s Day might just be the loneliest on record, whether you can only get romantic with your partner over FaceTime, or you’re stuck in a claustrophobic quarantine situation. Maybe your lockdown romance has fizzled out, or you’re single and simply craving the touch of another human being.

Luckily, Slayyyter is on hand to offer us some advice on how to get through the holiday that everyone (besides greetings card companies) loves to hate, as Dazed’s sex and relationships guest editor. The pop star is well-qualified, too. 2020’s “Throatzillaaa” – the self-professed sexiest song off her forthcoming debut album, “for obvious reasons” – is a sex-positive banger, while she shows a more intimate side as she reminisces on a broken romance for the recently-released title track, “Troubled Paradise”.

While you’ll have to wait until June 11 to get relationship tips from the liner notes of Troubled Paradise, our latest sex and relationships column sees Slayyyter follow in the footsteps of Pamela Anderson and Ashnikko, responding to readers’ questions on sex and love. 

This year, of course, pandemic restrictions are on everyone’s mind, with questions on how to celebrate Valentine’s Day with your partner if you’re locked down apart, or how to give each other space if you’ve been waiting out quarantine together. There’s also advice on how to thrive if you’re single, take control of your sexuality, and keep your relationship with your ex in a healthy place.

Help! I’ve lived with my boyfriend through lockdown and we annoy each other too much to be sexual. 

Slayyyter: It’s tough during this pandemic if you are living with a significant other, because everyone definitely needs their space. If you find yourselves annoying each other too much try to have some alone time, go for walks, maybe drive to a park and read for a while. Even though you live together there are still ways to have some space, so try to do your own thing during the day and it might help boost the intimacy later when you are together!

How can I get my partner in the mood?

Slayyyter: This one is easy, I think to get someone in the mood all you really have to do is set the scene a little. A good sex life needs some theatrics... Before you invite them over set up some cool lighting, wear something sexy, light some candles, make a hot playlist. Get out the handcuffs, watch some porn together. Communicate with your partner about what they like and what you like and don't be afraid to try new things out. 

How can I celebrate Valentine’s Day with my boyfriend when we are locked down apart? 

Slayyyter: Cybersex. Turn on that webcam, get a little freaky.

What do you do if you think someone doesn’t love you anymore?

Slayyyter: I think healthy communication solves a lot of things, so it’s best to just have a conversation with them about it. Don’t be passive aggressive with them. Try to calmly explain what they are doing that is making you feel that way and try to be as honest as possible. It might be something else going on with them that has nothing to do with you! But if you really think it’s over, remember that some love and relationships are just meant to come in our lives and teach us things. If it’s over it’s not the end of the world!

Tips for adjusting to being single again?

Slayyyter: It’s going to suck a lot at first, but just remember it’s all about you now. Do as many things for yourself as possible, pick up a new hobby, hang out more with your close friends, and try to get your mind off things. I find writing music helps me get over anything, so find something you are passionate about and pour your heart into it. Don’t be too quick to jump into any new relationships either, it’s good to be single and independent for a while after a relationship. Allow yourself some time to grow and remember that there’s nothing wrong with being alone. 

When did you take control of your sexuality? What made you confident in that sense?

Slayyyter: I used to be pretty insecure and not a very sexual person. I had a break up in my early 20s that led me on a path to new self-discovery, and I found a lot of confidence in being independent and doing things for myself. I would get glammed up to take sexy pictures just because I wanted to, not for anyone but me. I created a bit of a persona and it made me feel wildly confident. I think the key to being in control of your sexuality is total confidence, and I think you can really unlock that when you want to be sexy and feel sexy for yourself and no one else. That usually will attract people to you in the end.

How do you usually approach someone you like?

Slayyyter: This might come as a shock, but behind the scenes I’m a horribly shy person. If I like someone I will usually just post a good picture and hope they see it and respond. I think sending a flirty DM to someone you like is a much better route though. 

Do you think it’s healthy to stay friends with your ex?

Slayyyter: I think it’s healthy to be on good terms with an ex, but close friends maybe not. I think in order to move on in life you have to let go of the past. It doesn’t mean cutting someone out completely, but if you are still friends with an ex and hanging out with them a part of you is going to want to go back to that. Living in the past will keep you from moving forward. Remember, it didn’t work out in the first place for a reason. Stay cordial and move on, because someone you are more compatible with could be right around the corner.

Should you drop your significant other if they don’t listen to Slayyyter?

Slayyyter: Yeah. Yes, you should. Right now.