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DJ Freedem selects: houseplants to suit your star sign

The Trap Gardener – and 2020 Dazed 100er – is here to green-up the zodiac with his definitive houseplant horoscope

When Miss Rona forced us all inside our homes at the start of the growing season (that’s spring, FYI), we took one look around and realised something had to be done about those white walls and identikit Ikea furnishings. Google searches for houseplants shot up by hundreds and thousands of percent during lockdown, but with such basic search terms as ‘cacti’ (that’s a plant family of around 1,750 known species) and ’indoor plants’ dominating the charts, we’re going to need to be a little more specific.

Fortunately, New York’s very own house plant whisperer Freedella de Vil – aka the Trap Gardener, aka 2020 Dazed 100er DJ Freedem – is here to take the guesswork (and corny search terms) out of plant selection. “For me, plants help me focus, they help me forget that I'm in a rat-infested, cockroach-infested ass city,” Freedem told Dazed earlier this year, and – taking inspiration from the signs of the zodiac – he is going to help you do the same, choosing the perfect plants to suit your personality. Even if you are a Sagiterrorist.

ARIES: DRAGON TREE (DRACAENA MARGINATA)

DJ Freedem: “Aries are eccentric, attractive, aggressive, and independent people and dracaena fit these traits as well. Commonly known as the dragon tree, dracaena stems are often braided and twisted together to give it that dragon vibe. These plants are drought tolerant and like it warm (being native to Africa and South Asia). Like Aries, they look intimidating but they’re actually easygoing and do best when cared for from afar.”

TAURUS: MONEY TREE (PACHIRA AQUATICA)

DJ Freedem: “Taurus are hardworking, patient people. Money trees are becoming increasingly popular in homes as a symbol of fortune and abundance. They are amenable plants and – when paired with the patience of a Taurus – can grow to satisfactory heights bringing satisfactory pockets.”

GEMINI: MONSTERA DELICIOSA

DJ Freedem: “Geminis are flexible, open people, who are often successful. Monstera are also flexible and adaptable: literally, they’re vining plants that can grow upwards, sideways, or even be rooted in water, and often achieve great heights. Like Geminis, monstera are chic and smart, and are often placed in homes for that very reason.”

CANCER: NERVE PLANTS (FITTONIA)

DJ Freedem: “Cancers are sensitive but smart people, and are similar to Fittonia Nerve plants because they’ll get on your nerves with the dramatics. Like Cancers, Fittonias will fall the fuck out if you don’t give them what they need (which is water).”

LEO: BROMELIAD

DJ Freedem: “Leos are annoyingly firey and bright people, and bromeliads are bright-ass plants! Both share that, ‘Hey, look at me!’ vibe. Native to the tropical Americas, this diverse family of plants do best in sunny and humid conditions.”

VIRGO: RUBBER PLANT (FICUS ELASTICA)

DJ Freedem: “We ALL know about that nit-picky, sterile nature of Virgos. Pristine clean and order is all they know, which is why they’re well-matched with rubber plants and their shiny ass leaves. Few plants have leaves so shiny. Leave it to Virgo to outshine.”

LIBRA: MAJESTY PALM (RAVENEA RIVULARIS)

DJ Freedem: “Libras live their lives like a fine balancing act and thrive on harmony. Majesty palms are similar due to their requirements for the right balance of light and water, along with humidity. Once balance is achieved, the Libra... I mean, the Majesty palm will thrive.”

SCORPIO: RAVEN Zz PLANT (ZAMIOCULCAS ZAMIIFOLIA RAVEN)

DJ Freedem: “Scorpios are 1000 per cent Raven Zz plants. Hard to find, dark and gothy but still coveted and highly sought after. Zz plants are tough and can do well on their own, even in the face of neglect due to how long they can survive on the water stored in their roots.”

SAGITTARIUS: PRICKLY PEAR CACTUS (OPUNTIA)

DJ Freedem: “Sagiterrorists almost give Aries a run for their money with their fire bending ways. Sagittarius are ‘exotic’ in a small sense and tend to be flighty, and all about travel. That suits the Prickly Pear cactus just fine, as they are extremely drought tolerant and just love to be left high and dry outside. Like a Sagittarius, you cannot get too close to these because you will get hurt.”

CAPRICORN: ORCHIDS

DJ Freedem: “Capricorns are about as sensitive as Cancers (which makes sense because they're opposite signs). Disciplined and responsible by nature, Capricorns make perfect guardians for orchids: plants that you absolutely cannot underwater or over-pot. (And you can't roast them either because they're sensitive-ass people.)”

AQUARIUS: SNAKE PLANT (SANSEVIERIAS)

DJ Freedem: “If fight or flight were a person, Aquarians are it. Like the wind, they are here one moment and gone the next. However, at their core Aquarians are humanitarians and want he best for others, which is why they're the perfect fit for an air-purifying, oxygen-producing snake plant. And while their Aquarius is out galavanting, the snake plant can take care of itself.”

PISCES: SPIDER PLANT (CHLOROPHYTUM COMOSUM)

DJ Freedem: “Pisces are compassionate people who are big on the family and community tip, which is exactly why the spider plant is perfect for them. With the right care, love, and attention, spider plants will produce little spiderettes like they're a blossoming family tree.”