Estate agent Strutt & Parker has claimed that “millennials” who can’t afford to buy homes in London could save enough for a deposit in just five short years if we gave up “luxuries” including phone upgrades, holidays, sandwiches, and that old millennial habit, lottery tickets. And have rich parents, obviously, because that never won’t help. And be in a couple. And live a life of bleak, desperate misery for half a decade, or around 1/15 of your life, all of which will take place during what should be the most fun you’ll ever have.

That’s sad enough, but the numbers don’t add up. The head of research, Stephanie McMahon said that, “in London, it is raising the deposit that is a particular challenge. Getting on the property ladder in London is harder than ever, and with an average deposit of £94,000, people are thinking, ‘What luxuries am I willing to forgo now that will pay off five years down the line?’’ the research also presumes that a) you are in a couple, if not fuck you live in the street and that b) the average couple can receive almost thirty thousand pounds from their parents. That is A Lot Of Money. Even if I had a good relationship with my parents, which I don’t, so thanks for rubbing that one in Steph, they don’t have the kind of money to chuck me for free. And whose do?

They also recommend cutting one night out a week for a sweet £6000 a year, getting rid of takeaways for £2640, getting rid of holidays for £700, and, most baffling of all, £832 in lottery tickets. Which begs the question: whom other than that man who lives in the corner of your home village pub is spending that much on lottery tickets? People in their 20s living in London just get their gambling kicks out of whether or not they have damp or can afford to tap in on the way to work in the morning.

And ultimately, even if the numbers did work out and you are blessed with rich, giving parents: life is fucking horrible. Life in London is a relentless, expensive, thankless grind towards death only punctuated by nice lunches and drugs of your choice and a few drinks with your friends. Why sacrifice all of that to live somewhere that’s less nice than your already horrendously overpriced flat? Give up on your dreams of home ownership. Let them go. And treat yourself to £2576 of Pret sandwiches.