There are few things capable of planting an ache in your gut like seeing your partner put their Crocs on “sports mode”. It’s not a lovesickness that comes from pride (‘look at them, paying heed to ankle support’) but an irreversible and stomach-splitting ick. Until Demna did this and this and this, the foam clog was the reserve of NHS staff and garden centre personnel, but its post-ironic appeal is now beginning to feel a little fatigued. And to make that all the more obvious, a Sheffield-based jeweller has released a £1,790 gemstone charm that has been designed with proposals in mind.
“Are you a fan of Crocs? Why not surprise your partner with the exclusive Jessica Flinn Jewellery charm?” the brand wrote to its 13k followers on Instagram. In all this talk of “boundaried” relationships – where people aren’t allowed to post bikini pictures on Instagram or wear semi-transparent dresses at a stadium concert (which are the same thing) – perhaps the most damaging thing that someone could do in a relationship is to get down on one knee and pull out a diamond jibbitz. A marriage contract seemingly cooked up on funnyjunk.com, the charm compounds a longstanding tradition of Crocs exhaust pipes and Crocs fried chicken holders and Crocs ballsacks.
What started out as a subversive gimmick now has the same comedic value as the “one does not simply” era of online humour, itself a hangover from a time when cartoon unicorns called Charlie and Potter Puppet Pals reigned supreme. All of this is to reiterate the time-worn adage, ‘Just because you can doesn't mean you should’. If someone wanted to propose trotter-first, one suggestion would be to wear the engagement band as a toe ring: genuinely romantic and really quite seductive, it is the ultimate in accessorised noughties feet. Failing that, there’s always Frank Ocean’s 18-karat alternative.