‘I’d rather not be re-triggered if you wouldn’t mind,’ she tells us, after having her dice with death beamed across TikTok
Earlier this week, a slack-jawed crowd huddled outside Miu Miu’s flagship store in Central London. The shop’s vertiginous windows – usually reserved for some kind of festive display – bore witness to an uncharacteristically harrowing scene. Somewhere on the second-floor, a customer’s puppy had lost its footing and nose-dived through an oxygen-starved partition in the building’s facade – its tiny body suspended in a perilous gap 30-feet above the New Bond Street pavement. Sales clerks with high-flung ponies gawped at the dog, before lowering themselves to the floor and taking some time to roll over each other for a bit. At one point, an assistant hurried into frame with a broomstick, thinking the pup might somehow find the dexterity to hoist itself to safety with its useless paws.
That this should have taken place at Miu Miu, of all brands, makes total sense. Its clothes – as gorgeous as they may be – are also the embodiment of the word “feckless”. All impractical miniskirts, bejewelled cardigans, and dainty ballet flats, the brand has dedicated itself to good-time girls who want to dress like they’ve never had a critical thought pass through their synapses. In many ways, the shop girls were just as bewildered as the imperilled puppy itself, all of them wagging their tails in merry unison when one industrious staff member fetched a clothes hanger and scooped up the dog like a guileless child hooking a duck at a simple country fair. But when there’s a blame, there’s a claim. Below, we take some time with Portia as she bravely recounts her dice with death and designer goods.
@tatortotsandmoonshine A miracle on bond street 🫢 #london #puppy ♬ original sound - t
Hi Portia, thank you for agreeing to speak with us. How are you doing?
Portia: I’m extremely traumatised but thank you so much for reaching out, women’s stories matter.
Can you tell us about the day leading up to your ordeal? What had you been doing?
Portia: I had been dragged hither and thither, carted around every shop on Bond Street. I thought I might find a bit of peace and quiet when we eventually reached the tranquillity of Miu Miu. I just didn’t expect to see my life flash before my small and quite beady eyes.
If you’re comfortable, would you mind telling us how you came to be stuck in the window?
Portia: The brain tends to block out the memories of traumatic events and I’d rather not be re-triggered if you wouldn’t mind. But all I can say is, a ballet flat flashed into vision and I suddenly felt a thump against my ribcage…
What was going through your mind when you were stuck there, snout pressed against the glass?
Portia: Daniel, I’m well aware of the fashion industry’s record on animal rights – plenty of my kind have fallen victim to a trim, a collar, or even a yeti boot. In fact, the last thing I saw before sliding down the crevice was a shearling jacket bristling with furry lapels. So naturally I entered panic mode.
Wow. I can’t imagine what that must have been like. And it must have been made all the worse by the people who were watching and filming from the street. It must have felt very… exposing?
Portia: I was mortified, it’s completely undignified to take a tumble in front of all those opportunistic tourists in Superdry jackets. Just generally degrading.
But you were rescued – tell me about the moment the coat hanger clipped onto your coat and you realised that liberation was coming.
Portia: I was raging! Ultimately, the boiling lights were a welcome respite from the baltic streets of Mayfair and the crowds of disgusting Christmas shoppers.
Did you have a chance to thank your rescuer?
Portia: No, I heard she spent the rest of the evening applying anti-bacterial gel to her hands.
Of course you’ve gone viral now. How do you feel about that? Is there a sense of your trauma being exploited for likes?
Portia: I’m very used to being exploited for likes, sadly. Not only does my owner run an Instagram account where I am made out to be some hapless pooch, but earlier this year I also watched Miu Miu’s Pet Psychic short film, so I’m well-accustomed to having my thoughts and feelings ventriloquised by humans.
How are you taking care of yourself?
Portia: Oh, I’m taking some time to emotionally recuperate and rewild, which mostly consists of sniffing piles of muck on the street. I find this helps to rebalance my inner-child.
Has Miuccia reached out?
Portia: Not a word! I’m thinking of entering into a small claim’s court but I’m not sure that will bring me much retribution. I’m practising forgiveness this Christmas.
Thank you for sharing your story with us Portia.