From Minions, to Bored Apes, to Andrew Tate, to the concept of queerbaiting, here is a definitive list of all the 2022 Halloween costume ideas
A BORED APE
Who could be bored when you arrive at the function, eyes glazed-over, wearing a backwards cap with a fat doobie hanging from your lips! “Guys, I’m an NFT,” you will announce, at which point your beloved friends will say “Oh, are they still a thing?”
She came, she saw, and she didn’t do much else – which is quite symbolic of this low-effort costume. You should go wielding a copy of Vogue, asking the room how you might land a cover – and that will be VERY funny for those that know of the beef between Truss and Sturgeon. For style inspo click here.
A lot of people will be heading to their Halloween parties dressed as a bouquet of browning lettuce this year. In the lead-up to Liz Truss’ exit, the Daily Star staged a hilarious “bit” by putting a blonde wig and googly eyes on a Tesco lettuce and livestreaming it!! Legend behaviour!
JAMES CORDON’S WIFE’S YOLK-ONLY OMELETTE
“OoooOOhhhHHHhhhhhhh I’m James COoOorodooOon,” you’ll say to your friend’s in a ghostly voice. The persona non-grata has already been haunting service staff with his yolk-only omelette order at Balthazaar’s – a restaurant you will find when googling “where to eat in Manhattan”.
AN ELF BAR
2022 is – fortunately – the year of the Elf Bar. Pollution levels are now at an all-time high, with delicious cookies ‘n’ cream vapour burning a second hole in the ozone layer. So go to the party dressed as Florence Pugh’s Lychee vape and say “I’m worried darling!” – hahahahahahhahhahahha!!
KIM K’S MARILYN MONROE DRESS
Ripley’s Believe It Or Not! will probably lend you the dress for free, but if you can’t get the dress itself you could replicate the spirit of the event by raiding your grandmother’s wardrobe, stealing her most prized, sentimentally valuable garment – her wedding dress, perhaps – and then spilling Aperol over it.
My cost of living crisis is NOT your costume.
It’s been 12 years since the Minions first hobbled into public consciousness, and the nostalgic value in all those yellow freakos has oiled the cogs of the internet’s meme machine. And though their Lucy & Yak dungarees and steampunk goggles have yet to make it onto the runway, the Minions have become hot property for the Extremely Online.
A couple of weeks ago the boss of the Environment Agency said Brits need to be “less squeamish” about drinking water derived from sewage – so why not turn up to the club smeared in your own excrement? Social distancing x
When teenagers on TikTok claimed they were getting lead poisoning from Shein two pieces… it was giving Buonarroti, Goya, Portinari, Van Gogh, and all the other great artists who lost their sanity to mercury-laced paint. Sacrificing your lucidity to being a living, breathing piece of art is a trend that will NEVER die x
BIG TECH BREEDERS
Quite straightforward, actually: just put on a Burton biker jacket, grow out your jowls and scroll Twitter all evening. “Doing my best to help the underpopulation crisis,” you whisper. “A collapsing birth rate is the biggest danger civilisation faces by far.” Certainly a conversation starter!
THE CONCEPT OF QUEERBAITING
OK, so this one is bound to ruffle a few feathers!! You could go dressed as a hunky fisherman dangling some iced coffee or poppers on a hook or something!? Maybe you’ll say something incredibly interesting about Harry Styles, too?
I don’t know… smear on some black eye shadow? Cut some arm and leg holes into a binbag? Wear the binbag? Jaunt to Carbone in some furry little faun legs? Corner someone at a party and speak at length about religious extremism in the Middle East? The possibilities are endless!
A CAN OF TOMATO SOUP
A big week for gross foodstuffs, as activist groups across the country take to lobbing Heinz tomato soup and Smash over precious artworks. Turn up to the party doused in slop… for the climate.
TAYLOR SWIFT DRESSING FOR REVENGE
So you’ve been ghosted, dumped, breadcrumbed, orbited, wokefished, zombied, cuffed, benched, love-bombed and you know what? You’re sick of it!!! And for one night only, you refuse to let the word “Hinge” pass your lips. “I don’t dress for men,” you announce to the group with a little smirk, “lately, I’ve been dressing for revenge.” You then click your heels like that girl in The Wizard of Oz and show off your Charlotte Olympia kitty flats. Uh yeah – you’re a badass.
MARK ZUCKERBURG’S METAVERSE LEGS
Legs are coming soon! Are you excited? Legs are coming soon! Are you excited? Legs are coming soon! Are you excited? Legs are coming soon! Are you excited? Legs are coming soon! Are you excited? Legs are coming soon! Are you excited?
Guys! Wake UP!! It’s the roaring twenties and this thing which people were talking about on TikTok for all of two days is set to DEFINE our times!!
Really wouldn’t recommend this one, I’m afraid! But it is pretty scary!
MADONNA’S USE OF FACTUNE
Give it up, haggard!! Madonna is begging you to erase every single feature on your face. What’s that?! A NOSE?? Yeuchh!!! Off, please!!
👁 👄 👁
THE GLOBULE OF SPIT HARRY SUPPOSEDLY BLEW ON CHRIS PINE
Is it a phlegmy spit globule, or a fallen pearl earring? Leave everyone guessing with this fun new celebrity-endorsed greeting.
Do you make jokes about the migrant crisis while using words like “retarded” and “gay”? Perfect!! You’re now cool, according to this micro-neighbourhood in New York.
A SPONCON BRIDE
The jilted bride, the murdered bride, the horny bride, the Mrs Haversham not-quite-a-bride-not-yet-a-ghost classic Halloween costume got a new addition this year when Kourtney Kardashian-Barker got married in a Dolce & Gabbana-powered wedding ceremony. Perhaps the only thing more frightening than that is the duo’s joint wellness brand! Or her Boohoo sustainability ambassadorship!
DON’T DO THIS!! So disrespectful.