It is no longer enough to dress like an evil slag. The annual tradition of wearing something unusual on October 31 is nothing if not an excuse to trumpet your vast cultural capital. Heaven forbid you wear some black tights and pencil on a couple of measly whiskers or, I don’t know, dress as a Marvel character. You should want your costume to say “Yes, I surf the web!” You should want people to know that you have a Twitter account and that you keep abreast of the discourse! You don’t want to actually SCARE people, you want them to say “Uh yeah, that rings a bell I think?”

Oh sorry! Did you and your boyfriend want to go to the party as Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly?? Sweetie, yesterday’s news is today’s chip paper!! Had you one iota of what was going on in the world you might have realised that, actually, people are going as lettuces this year – yeah, just the most hilarious bit of Great British Banter that happened to grace the timeline last week. But what if you live your life untethered to the news cycle? What if you DID want to go as a superhero? Thankfully, we’ve done the emotional labour (a bit of content) for you. Read below and you might avoid being ostracised for forgetting about a thing that happened the other month – like when the Tories said we need to drink sewage.

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A BORED APE

Who could be bored when you arrive at the function, eyes glazed-over, wearing a backwards cap with a fat doobie hanging from your lips! “Guys, I’m an NFT,” you will announce, at which point your beloved friends will say “Oh, are they still a thing?”