Calorie-counting apps have been around for a while, but sex toy company Zalo USA is taking things to a whole new level via its Remote app – compatible with its entire range of sex toys. 

Connecting via Bluetooth, the app tracks both the length of time the vibrator has been on for and the selected vibration setting to calculate how many calories have been burned. If that wasn’t intrusive enough, there is also a ‘happiness recorder’ which collects any audio made during this time and converts the decibel level into ‘happiness points’; the louder you moan the more ‘points’ you earn. How loudly can you scream privacy concerns? 

Unsurprisingly, people aren’t happy with the co-option of an activity meant primarily for pleasure. “I DON’T CARE IF I’M BURNING FAT WHILE I BUZZ MY TWAT. AND NEITHER SHOULD I,” says sex writer Alix Fox on Twitter.

This isn’t just a female-focused enterprise though. For men, i.Con is launching a calorie-counting “smart condom” (more like a cock ring) at the beginning of next year. Measuring thrust speed, the velocity of said thrusts, and duration of thrusting, the data will be used to calculate how many calories men have burned during sex, too. 

Considering the number of calories burned during sexual activity is around 101 for men and 69 for women – according to this study – unless you’re going to be using your toys for a very long period of time, you’re unlikely to see any actual weight loss from either app. An even more bizarre reason for companies like Zalo and i.Con to be increasing pressure of men and women to fit into specific body types.