How to not have a terrible New Year’s Eve

New Year’s Eve is a fake and made-up day of the year, invented by the government to distract us while they go round and change all of our oven clocks to say 2017. It’s a SCAM. And I love it. But also, on another level, it’s the worst and most hideous night of the year. Think back to every New Year’s Eve you’ve ever had. How many have been good? How many have been just OK? And how many have been total unadulterated disasters? EXACTLY AS I THOUGHT. Almost all of them. And if not, then I’m frightened and sorry to say you’re definitely an evil wizard from space. Stop reading immediately and go and think about what you’ve done and who you are. If you’re a normal human who’s had a string of terrible nights, read on. You’re welcome here. We’re going to help you. It’s all going to be OK. Here’s how not to have yet another terrible New Year’s Eve.

PLAN AHEAD

Know where you’re going. If you’re headed to the club or an event, buy tickets in advance. Because there’s nothing worse than spending your whole night queuing in the cold or being turned away from bar after bar because they’re all full of people who thought ahead. People who respect the New Year’s Eve game. BONUS TIP: if you’re not massive ahead of time planners, hit Gumtree or 7 or 8pm for cheap tickets to sold-out events. A man with a very soft beard told me this, so I think it’s true.

BUT NO-ONE LIKES ANYONE WITH A MILITARY-STYLE ITINERARY

Trying to control every aspect of how your New Year’s goes is like trying to drink a slushie underwater. You look stupid and now you’re banned from YET ANOTHER leisure centre. So give up the idea that you can plan your way to a perfect New Years Eve. Just charge your phone, put your money in your bra, and go. Don’t write an itinerary, don’t stress yourself out if you’re running late or if you encounter little road bumps along the way. Accept that this is unlikely to be the best night of the year, and just enjoy it for whatever kind of night it turns out to be.

DON’T REPEAT YOUR PAST, TERRIBLE MISTAKES

If spending every NYE at some sticky floored club has sucked worse than a hoover full of bees, consider trying something a little different this year. A roller disco perhaps, a robot movie marathon, turtle racing in the park. Whatever. Just don’t keep doing the same things and expecting different results. That’s a saying I made up myself. It’s mine. I did it. Also whatever you end up doing, do it with people (or turtles) that you really care about. That makes all the difference in the world.

DON’T TEXT YOUR EX

You shouldn’t do this on any day of the year, BUT ESPECIALLY NOT NEW YEARS EVE. New Year’s Eve is a sacred day of the year reserved for drinking too much, dancing terribly, and trying to sneak a kebab into the club. The worst thing you should be waking up to on New Years Day is a Burger King Chicken Legend that you’ve been using as a pillow. So please don’t disrespect the great New Year’s Eve Goblin in the sky by sending that “where r u??” text at midnight. Pre-empt that shit by blocking and deleting all potentially dangerous numbers before you’ve even poured that first glass of prosecco. It’s for your own good you piece of shit. My god. I love you so much.

YOU’RE ALLOWED TO STAY IN

A great alternative to Going Out is to Not Do That. Instead, why not grab a few friends, some beers, a frighteningly large seafood platter, and ride things out in the comfort of your own home. Because why the h*ck not? Sorry for swearing and BLOWING YOUR MIND but it isn’t the LAW that you have to end your year in a crowded club with sweaty palmed, space invading coked-up idiots. That’s just one of many beloved New Years Eve traditions that you’re allowed to flout any time you like. It’s like wearing trousers to ride your bike; it’s EXPECTED, but nobody can make you.

DON’T START DRINKING AT 3PM

Ideally you want to aim to drink enough to you have fun and cut loose, but not so much that you literally poison yourself and die. So don’t treat your body like an alcohol graveyard, don’t start drinking at 3pm, and eat something before you go out. Your liver doesn’t get magical powers just because it’s the last night of the years, so pace yourself and know your limits. Trust me. I’m your online grandma.