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Meet the woman who professionally reviews dick pics for cash

From composition tips to cat meme comparisons, this site offers objective, honest feedback on the quality of your private photographs

Ever thought you need some constructive feedback on your most intimate of photos? Worried your dick pics aren't up to scratch? Whether you view your private parts as fine art or otherwise is irrelevant – for a fee of just under £7 for private review or £17 for a guaranteed feature on her blog, Critique My Dick Pic, New-Zealand-based Madeleine Holden will offer her expertise and insight on how your images hold up compared to the hundreds of other submissions she gets every week.

But perhaps surprisingly, Holden's project – founded three years ago – doesn't exist in the realm of pure satire. With problems of unsolicited intimate photos running rife across the world of social media, the project hopes to shed light on issues of consent and inclusivity whilst providing a space for these images to be discussed and celebrated without (too harsher) judgement. Because love them or hate them, dick pics are everywhere – below we caught up with the sites founder to discuss what makes her qualified to dish out the dick pic expertise, dick pics as an art form and what constitutes the perfect intimate image.

How did you start Critique My Dick Pic?

Madeleine Holden: I began CMDP in 2013 after I received a good dick pic by someone I was seeing at the time. It was so unusual to receive a high-quality dick pic that wasn’t just thrust at me by a stranger, like most dick pics are, so I decided something needed to be done to encourage better dick pic photography. That afternoon I started the Tumblr, mostly as a joke, but then Jezebel featured it as their Tumblr of the week. It blew up rapidly from there.

How many submissions on average land in your inbox, and how do you choose who to feature?

Madeleine Holden: I receive between 100-200 submissions most weeks. I'll prioritise submissions from less-represented groups, like POC, trans people and women (yes! I include women on the site), and anyone who has clearly taken the time to read my tips and taken a creative shot.

You avoid critiquing the actual dick’s themselves, instead focussing on elements such as originality and composition. But how seriously do you take the project?

Madeleine Holden: The project is light hearted, but I often touch on serious topics like trans inclusivity, the importance of diversity and consent, and the need for erotic material that centers the female gaze. It's tongue-in-cheek but I think it's worthwhile in a larger sense, too.

“I think a lot of men are genuinely confused about what constitutes a good dick pic, and they find the opportunity for personalised feedback really valuable” – Madeleine Holden

Do you think the project has desensitised you to the idea of a dick pic as something sexy?

Madeleine Holden: Wading through as many submissions as I do certainly desensitises me to dicks in general and their erotic appeal, but I do see the occasional submission that is breathtakingly creative and inviting. Dick pics certainly have the potential to be sexy, it's just that, unfortunately, most of them don't live up to that potential.

Why do you think people enjoy submitting to the blog?

Madeleine Holden: I think a lot of men are genuinely confused about what constitutes a good dick pic, and they find the opportunity for personalised feedback really valuable.

What do you think makes you professionally qualified to comment on the quality of this imagery?

Madeleine Holden: I have no formal art training, but I've always had an interest in photography, criticism, pop culture and sexuality. I've worked as a music critic and a cultural critic and in a way, dick pic criticism isn't so different to other forms. I think I have a good eye for what works in a picture and what doesn't, and readers tend to agree with me.

Have you ever been sent anything that has upset you? What do you do in those situations?

Madeleine Holden: I've never been sent anything that upset me. I am exposed to a wide range of private fetishes and sexual desires that I don't personally share, involving things like bone fragments, animal costumes, snakes and generic Internet porn, but I'm not upset by any of it. The more upsetting element is the sheer number of mediocre dick pics that still flood my inbox, despite all my helpful tips on the site!

So what does constitute the perfect dick pic?

Madeleine Holden: The best dick pics contain a generous amount of non-dick body parts and aren't narrowly focused on the dick itself, and show some consideration about things like lighting, tone and framing. The setting needs to be simple and free of clutter. I also find that dick pics that contain hands are better than those that don't — it humanises them somehow, and brings them to life.

“In general everyone should make sure they are doing the most they can to treat women like we are humans whose autonomy and desire matters”– Madeleine Holden

Do you consider the images you receive a form of art?

Madeleine Holden: Dick pics are photos like any other. Just like photos of food, landscapes and bodies can be terrible or beautiful, dick pics have the potential to be lasting works of art — or internet detritus.

Do you think the internet and social media has changed how we view sexuality?

Madeleine Holden: I think one positive way it has changed things is that we're exposed to a wider range of bodies and desires, and we're finally seeing sexual representation that goes beyond what mainstream porn has shown us for years. Women and other marginalised groups have more power to take the reins and present images that we find attractive. The female gaze isn't sidelined quite as much, although there's still a lot of work to do on that front.

Where do you hope to take the project?

Madeleine Holden: I have a book in the works but I need to find a publisher who isn't gun shy about male nudity, which most are. Apart from that I don't have any particular goals for the project, other than to keep making people happy with it.  

Check our more from Critique My Dick Pic here