Joanne The Scammer selects her internet idols

I don’t have friends, only associates and apprentices. They keep me on my toes. I’m always checking my goddamn back to make sure they haven’t upstaged or overshadowed me. So far so good, but they’re all extremely talented and funny, so I don’t put it past them to try to come for my fucking crown. I won’t allow it, though. The moment I get a whiff of any of them trying to be me, or worse, be better than me, I’ll throw them under the fucking bus. I don’t care how long I’ve known them, or how many mutual friends we have. Or if they’re “dealing with things” personally. What can I say? I’m insecure and destructive. These scammers I’ve listed below should inspire you to scam today, not tomorrow.

@sosadtoday

Melissa Broder is a scammer extraordinaire. @sosadtoday began anonymously when this bitch was already fucking everyone up with her poetry or whatever. Then she has this big reveal with Rolling Stone and a book comes out? How did she do it?

Sarah Hagi @geekylonglegs

This girl is a fucking trojan horse. Listen to me when I say this: she’s an absolute deadly scam artist pretending to be a non-threatening, unassuming, sweet girl. She’s not innocent! I know she’s not because she keeps snatching people bald all while they think she's bald under her hijab?? Like, what the fuck kinda impact? Where the fuck did she get her demonic powers from? 

Darcie Wilder @333333333433333

Ok. So this bitch hacked into the official @MTVNews twitter account and nobody has figured it out yet?? Are they fucking stupid over there? She’s tweeting about scamming bagels from the account, and nobody is stopping her? Iconic. 

Rowan Blanchard

The scam with Rowan is that she’s too well-adjusted and cool to be 14-years-old. She has to be an old witch pretending to be a young girl. This scamming child prodigy is also the star of a DISNEY CHANNEL SHOW?? Legendary scam.

Crissy Milazzo (@crissymilazzo)

If you don’t know newbie scammer Crissy Milazzo by now, you need to wake the fuck up. First thing you need to know is this girl is from Jersey, a state with more scammers per capita than crazy ass Florida. She’s now in L.A scamming everyone with her comedy writing. Most recently, she scammed a bunch of ugly British pickup artists into divulging their secrets to her. Iconic.

Zack Fox @bootymath

According to Booty Math, this is what happened before he was conceived: “I gave all the other sperm cells in my dad’s nutsack the wrong address”. These days, Booty Math spends his time writing hilarious tweets and scamming people into following him on Twitter, so he can amass a huge following. His ultimate goal is to reunite with the other sperm cells that were in his dad's nutsack. He’s also a DJ – the ultimate scam career.

safy-hallan farah (@SafyHallanFarah)

Safy’s channeled all the fucking boredom in her life into scamming her way into writing about music for magazines I frequently shoplift. But the real scam is she’s supposed to be a comedian, not a music writer..

pic.twitter.com/iS3hnGRnwd

— safy-hallan farah (@SafyHallanFarah) April 23, 2016

BRANDON WARDELL (@BRANDONWARDELL)

Brandon Wardell’s whole career is a scam. He’s semi-famous but most people don’t know what he does. He recently scammed CNN into letting him get on air to talk about his work with sick children in Mexico who live in the orphanage I funded with stolen Paypal funds.

Signe Pierce (@sigggnasty)

Signe Piece will film you without you knowing. That’s literally her art. She calls it hyperreality for herself, but when the government does it she calls it surveillance? Cognitive dissonance??? Scam??? Legendary?? Yes. Yes. Yes.

Lin-Manuel Miranda (@Lin_Manuel)

Believe it or not, I know Lin-Manuel Miranda from my early scamming days. Now he thinks he’s too cool to return my calls because he has a Pulitzer. Lin-Manuel is who I’m calling in the videos where I'm drunk dialling an ex-boyfriend.

Amber Rose

Amber is a scammer because she turned nothing to something and built a whole empire in the process. People really underestimated her, and she scammed them, basically. Together with her best friend Blac Chyna, she scammed her way into the hearts and minds of Americans.

Innit Kamoze (@YungCostanza)

“Who the hell is Yung Costanza?” is a question even people he knows ask. Nobody knows this dude’s name or how he looks. What. A. Scammer. Somehow he made a name as a weird Twitter superhero or some shit. He scammed his way to the top by using his likability and charm. He runs social for VICELAND somehow. The people need to know how he looks and talks. Like, is he hot??? We need answers.