Pin It
2016-02-10

How to host your very own Valentine’s sex party

Because nothing says 'I love you' better than a surprise sex party for your other half

Valentine’s is a bogus holiday, invented by corporations to make you spend money on that special someone in your life you’re ambivalent about but stay with because you’re scared of being alone. It’s all Pizza Express 2-for-1s and <3<3 number1bae <3<3 selfies and the sort of romantic sex where you kiss each other’s necks a lot. Put plainly, it’s fucking boring.

So why not stick two fingers up at the Hallmark mafia and throw your very own sex party this Valentine’s Day instead? If you’re stumped for gift ideas, give your beloved a Valentine’s Day to remember – by welcoming them home to a surprise orgy in your flat. The best presents can’t be bought – they have to be made. And nothing says, “I love you baby” like the sight of strangers fucking on your Ikea three piece, after all.

I know what you’re thinking. I wouldn't even know where to begin! Well, helpfully Dazed has done some research for you, so you can get right ahead and start planning the most romantic Valentine’s surprise orgy, ever. We spoke to Owen, from Club Hermione – which throws sex parties for the London elite, who gave us the low down on everything you need to know. 

So really, there’s nothing stopping you from bulk-ordering condoms and wet wipes from Amazon and getting down to planning the best Valentine’s orgy ever. Who says romance is dead? Not us. You’re welcome.

GET THE VENUE RIGHT

So you can skip this bit right out if you’re planning on hosting a sex party at home, but if you’re looking for venues – some advice from Owen. “You need to think about noise. The last thing you want is neighbours complaining and the police turning up and everyone having to put their clothes back on and scarper. You want somewhere discreet, where the neighbours won’t bust you and you can be noisy”.

Once you find somewhere suitable (Owen’s a big fan of a luxury riverside apartment, but let’s be honest – most Dazed readers can’t afford that), you want to think about the layout of the venue. “To be blunt, when things kick off all you need is a couple of sofas for people to fuck on in the living room. You also ideally want to have two-to-four playrooms upstairs, which are basically bedrooms. But the main focus should be the living room area, where you can meet guests and break the ice”.

PICK YOUR GUESTS CAREFULLY

So, really, this is the ultimate concern. Question: what’s a sex party if you don’t actually want to have sex with any of the people there? Answer: a party thrown by one of your work colleagues. And that’s no fun.

According to Owen, the optimum amount of people to invite is 10-15 couples, and 10 single ladies. “That’s the best ratio, it keeps things intimate but there’s still enough people to go around”.

Okay, so you know how many people to invite. Who should make the cut? We’d probably advise against inviting your mates, unless they’re particularly DTF and won’t run away with your boyfriend/girlfriend – why not use this as an opportunity to make new friends? The sort of friends you’ll fuck once and never see again. The best type of friends, in my book.

“It’s best to have people send in pictures to us and write a few sentences about why they want to come. A good way to limit the weirdos is to look at the pictures. We’re not trying to just get people with six packs and Brad Pitt jawlines – we’re looking for people who are happy and healthy. The sort of people you want to avoid are normally quite vulgar with their images – they’ll send in naked pictures and stuff like that. Those sort of people tend to cause problems at parties.”

If you're throwing a hetero sex party, you also want to avoid inviting single men. Sorry, boys. Owen explains why. “Girls don’t want loads of random guys coming up to them and chatting them up. If they wanted that, they could just go to any club. So I’d suggest no single men – only guys with their partners, to reduce any potential sleaziness”. 

So there we have it – put out a Facebook call out but avoid all the people sending you dick pics, and don’t invite any single bros. Sounds straightforward.

BE PREPARED

Come on guys. It’s 2016. We all got the safe sex memo. “Obviously the most important thing is to have a tonne of condoms in every room. Also, tissues for cleaning up, and bins to throw them in.”

It’s also a good idea to stock the bathroom with loads of towels and soap. “It’s nice for people to have the option to shower before they go home. Although you’d be surprised by how few people do. Hopefully they’re showering when they get home”. Hopefully.

GET PEOPLE IN THE MOOD…THE SEXY MOOD

You’ve got the guest-list down, everyone’s arrived, the venue’s on point…now what to do you do? Well, you don’t get straight down to fucking, apparently. There’s an etiquette to these things. Apparently. Owen explains.

“It’s super important to make sure that everyone feels comfortable, especially if you have first-timers there. The best thing to do is to have a couple there, a guy and a girl who greet everyone as they come in. The first hour is always a little anxious, so they need to be super-friendly and positive and introduce everybody”.

PROVIDE BOOZE…BUT NOT TOO MUCH

Alcohol is a great social lubricant, and if you’re nervous about going to your first sex party a drink or two to calm you down can really help. But you don’t want to give people too much booze, lest things get messy. 

“People like to drink, and it’s their favourite toy so you don’t want to take it away. But you want people to enjoy the experience without being under the influence. We find that the best thing is to just stick to one type of alcohol, as people get drunk quicker when they mix. I’d say go for white wine, or prosecco if you want to be a bit more classy.”

SET THE GROUND RULES BEFORE PEOPLE ARRIVE

It’s important to be clear about what type of party it is before people arrive. “In a very non-judgemental way, explain to guests what the vibe of the party is about. For example, Club H is a heterosexual party which welcomes bi-curious girls. We’re sex positive, and we’d never exclude anyone, but that’s just the market we cater to – and it’s best to be up front with people”. 

GET YOUR BEST SEX PLAYLIST ON

As any proud owner of a Spotify sex playlist will tell you – tunes are important. But don’t just go for the obvious stuff. Frankly, Marvin Gaye’s a bit naff. 

“Don’t put the music on too loud, as this isn’t a rave – you want a cocktail party vibe. We play a mix of house, deep house, trance or maybe even some trip hop at the night.” Trip hop it is then. 

THERE’S ALWAYS A GOOD TIME TO THROW A SEX PARTY

I ask Owen the burning question: is there ever a wrong time to throw a sex party? He’s pretty chill about this actually. Turns out, there’s never a bad time to get naked with a bunch of strangers. 

“To be honest with you, I think there’s always a good time for a sex party. It’s not like sex parties are a new thing, they’ve literally been here since the dawn of civilisation, whether you’re talking about ancient tribal practices or Roman orgies. Whether it’s Halloween, Christmas, Valentine’s Day. The way we see it: what better way to celebrate than by having a sex party?”

Quite. So there we have it. There’s no bad time to get it on with a bunch of naked, sexy, messy strangers. Time to start sorting that trip hop playlist and putting wipe-clean sheets all over the furniture. You can never be too prepared, after all