The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk about Fight Club. You shout it. At children. That’s just one way Fight Club author Chuck Palahniuk is keeping his ham-fisted legacy alive. The grisly novel about an insomniac who sets up an underground fighting club may never make the cut for inclusion in elementary school curriculum, but Palahniuk is taking matters into his own hands with a new, sanitised and family-friendly version: Fight Club 4 Kids.

Ensuring a new gen will be starting up their own ultraviolent underground clubs, Palahniuk takes the book’s most hardcore passages, and places them in a new context for a young audience. “Hi, my name is Chuck Palahniuk. I'm the author of… really just Fight Club,” he jokes, even though he’s actually penned a colossal amount of other books. “Since my readership is growing older, having children and dying, I've decided to reintroduce the book to a whole new generation.” The story quickly goes from Dr Seuss rhymes to profanity-laden “visceral disturbing shit”.

While sadly Fight Club 4 Kids doesn’t technically exist, we’d imagine if it did, the plot would revolve around some sort of schoolyard crush that two chubbies beat each other to a pulp over, when, let’s be honest, they’re probably not even that into her. Watch the reinterpretation of his classic text below: