Whatever you do, don't look inside that Tesco bag under the passenger seat
You may not have noticed but mark my words, others have. Here it comes, people – London is overflowing with the bottled piss of taxi drivers. It seems that Uber cabbies have four modes – driving, waiting for strangers to scream at them down the phone something like "I literally don't know how you can't find me, this is ridiculous", panicking about finding a suitably sized bottle to piss in and then, pissing.
City Metric discovered some tweets speculating that Uber drivers are pissing in bottles en masse and throwing them out of the window. We all know Twitter is unreliable, but here are some hot secrets from a site called Uber People, an independently run internet forum for Uber drivers, on a thread called "Toilet Issues". It's dedicated to the important stuff – which is the correct vessel to put piss in, shitting in Tesco bags, hiding poo in your cab, and pissing on your hands while you're driving.
Let's see what kind of real-talk is going down in these threads.
PISSING ON YOUR HANDS WHILE YOU'RE DRIVING AND ASKING PASSENGERS IF THEY ‘KNOW OF A BIG BOTTLE’
SHITTING IN A TESCO BAG AND BLAMING THE SEWERS AFTER YOU'VE HIDDEN IT IN YOUR CAB
CARRYING EMERGENCY BOTTLES AND "SERIAL PUBLIC URINATING"
IS THERE A BOTTLE THAT FITS ALL SIZES?
LINKS TO TRAVEL-JOHN URINALS ON AMAZON
HITTING UP A PLACE CALLED OAK TAXI IN CASE OF EMERGENCY
USING MCDONALD'S OR HOSPITALS WHEN YOU NEED TO GO
We have no idea how authentic any of these posts are or how real their bladder problems, although a Forbes article does point out that Uber guarantees an hourly rate if drivers agree to certain terms and conditions like "accept 90% of ride requests, do one trip per hour and be online 50 out of 60 minutes". These are exactly the types of T&Cs that might encourage Uber drivers to carry around emergency Gatorade bottles or empty kingsize packs of Doritos and remorselessly hurl their human waste onto the streets in a bid to continue picking up belligerent Londoners.
So next time your Uber cab driver gets his dick out and starts weeing into a Coke bottle, don't be alarmed. Just clear your throat and say, "Don't worry mate, I know the only reason that you're doing this quite weird thing in front of me is because your actions are dictated by the exploitative infrastructure of a global corporation."
Watch him throw that horribly warm, fresh bottle of piss out of the window, hit a cyclist, and then give him 5 stars. We made this world, don't punish people for living in it.