It's being widely reported that director Quentin Tarantino will retire after his tenth film, The Hateful Eight. At a panel Q&A, he spoke about his plans to "leave a 10-film filmography". "I don’t believe you should stay onstage until people are begging you to get off,” he said. “I like the idea of leaving them wanting a bit more." While all the reports have been a bit heavy-handed in speculating about when, and even if, he plans to retire, we'd rather speculate about how he would spend all that time, if not on the golf course.
Hell, if he gave up on film completely and wanted to roll in the deep, Tarantino would be wise to cash in on the distinct world of characters he's created. Tarantino should sell away all rights to Disney after a series of consultation meetings with George Lucas. Queues would be massive for a Tomorrowland monorail spin in the Pussy Wagon from Kill Bill: Vol I. Or, as one Reddit user suggested, a Jackie Brown ride, where you get talked at for two hours.
Come hither to experience the Pussy…via jalopnik.com
HE'LL BRING HIS SIGNATURE GORE TO OFF-OFF-BROADWAY
When probed about how he would fill the waning days in his sunset years, he responded with "writing plays and books, going gracefully into my tender years." Yawn. What we're thinking is one of his scripts gets picked up and adapted into a Broadway musical, but with his signature gory twist. It'll be a bit Indian in the Cupboard – a doomed love story between a Viennese ex-gangster (played by Christoph Waltz) and his lovable toy cowboy (played by Michael Madsen) who comes to life and murders his whole family and one volunteer audience member. You know, to keep things exciting.
Behind the scenes of Django Unchainedvia myreelpov.wordpress.com
WE'LL FIND OUT WHAT'S REALLY IN THE BRIEFCASE
We've asked and fruitlessly debated. After years of speculation, all the Yahoo answers about Pulp Fiction will finally redirect to something tangible; upon his retirement, Tarantino will reveal what's in the briefcase. It's not Elvis' gold suit or the soul of Marcellus Wallace. It's his letter of resignation in Comic Sans: "I FUCKING QUIT".
Are you disappointed?
HE'LL START RECRUITING FOR A FOOT FETISH CULT
"First things first: wiggle your big toe," purrs Uma Thurman in Kill Bill: Vol I. Move over Scientology – Tarantino will start a Randian cult, even getting his own eponymous adjective: Taran-toe-nian. Throughout his ten film oeuvre, Tarantino's surely got enough material for a supercut of feet scenes destined to brainwash A-list actors into worshipping the foot. He got footsy with Bridget Fonda's hooves taking up a healthy amount of screen time in Jackie Brown. Then there's the famous Pulp Fiction foot massage scene. And ICYMI, Salma Hayek sticks her foot in his mouth during a cameo in Robert Rodriguez's From Dusk Til Dawn. We're thinking we're not too far off the mark on this one. The cult will be called Reservoir Dogs.
HE WON'T QUIT
Scorsese tried to quit. Miyazaki tried to quit. Kevin Smith tried to quit. Let's face it, Tarantino is trolling us. Besides, he said, "If, later on, I come across a good movie, I won’t not do it just because I said I wouldn’t. But ten and done, leaving them wanting more – that sounds right."
Quentin Tarantino downing a taste of his own medicine
