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Exclusive Jubilee Q&A with the Queen

Lewis G. Parker imagines a chat with the Queen about Brian May, different kinds of thrones and Sven-Göran Eriksson

Elizabeth Windsor, AKA Queen Elizabeth II, is the British head of state, ruler of the Commonwealth, Supreme Governor of the Church of England, Commander-in-Chief of the British Armed Forces, and holder of other grand titles ad infinitum. Since acceding to the throne in 1952, Her Majesty has led the nation through numerous armed conflicts, including wars in the Falklands, the Gulf, Iraq and Afghanistan, as well as inspiring recoveries from four periods of economic recession. Her Majesty spoke exclusively to Dazed Digital in the midst of her Diamond Jubilee celebrations.

My lowest point? Brian May making a knob of himself on my roof for my previous Jubilee in 2002. We had to call the council to get him down

DD: Game of Thrones, based on medieval battles for dynastic power, is very popular at the moment. How does it feel to sit on a throne?
The Queen:
When I perch myself on a throne in my crown, I am a synecdoche. The monarch is a representation of the nation, its glory and its empire. So yes, it’s a real ego-trip to say the least. Think about it: you’re sitting literally on the seat of power. How do you think it feels? Like being blasted to the moon with Jay-Z and Kanye performing 'Watch the Throne' in a rocket filled with vaporised gin, doing lines of blow through your food straw. But I don’t make any real decisions while in such an inflated state of mind. Like most English people, I do most of my thinking on a different kind of throne: the toilet.

DD: It’s said that you don’t have any actual power. Is that true?
The Queen:
I think it was David Cameron who said a couple of years ago that lobbying is the next big scandal waiting to happen. What people tend to forget when they’re wittering on about how much Rupert Murdoch and his minions influence government is that I am entitled, by convention, to a weekly audience with the prime minster. He scurries along to the palace every Wednesday and has to sit by while I give him the hairdryer treatment. These meetings are strictly confidential, so you will never know what I implore him to do. Ho! Ho! If that’s not lobbying, I don’t know what is. So you could say that in the absence of any official legislative power, my role essentially boils down to that of a constitutionally protected lobbyist for the wealthy disguised as a powerless ribbon cutter.   

DD: Looking back over your 60 years in charge, you’ve seen England win the World Cup, Johnny Rotten giving the national anthem a makeover, and a shed-load of riots. What’s your most cherished memory?
The Queen:
Every time a bottle smashes against the side of a new royal ship, a bit of pee comes out.

DD: And the lowest point?
The Queen:
Brian May making a knob of himself on my roof for my previous Jubilee in 2002. We had to call the council to get him down.

DD: And finally, how does your current Government match up to previous administrations?
The Queen:
Put it this way: when you come to regard the leaderships of Tony Blair and Sven-Göran Eriksson as anything approaching the ‘golden years’, there has been a serious balls-up.