Jealous of everyone who’s at Glastonbury right now? Well, don’t be. According to the stories you sent in after our global call-out, festivals are really gross and you’ll only end up like that girl who was forever dubbed “poo girl” or with a nasty tent sex STD. Now that we’ve sifted through all of your gruesome responses, here are a few words of festival advice: don’t take drugs, don’t watch any live music, and never, under any circumstances, attempt to use the toilet. These are just a few of our favourite festival horror stories courtesy of yourselves.

BEWARE OF PORTALOOS ON HILLS

"I was at Volt festival in Hungary and I desperately needed to pee so I went to this portaloo that was on the top of a slope. Whilst I was in there using it, the toilet started to tilt towards the ground as if it was about the roll down the hill, and I became covered in other people's shit and vomit. To make matters worse, my friend saw that the portaloo was about to topple over so she swung open the door (which had no lock) to set me free. Although I’d obviously had no time to prepare myself so I stood there, next to a queue full of people, covered in shit and with nothing to cover my lady parts." – Emma O

WATCH YOUR STEP

"I was dancing away in a field at Secret Garden Party when it began to rain torrentially so we decided to take a quick jaunt back to the tent to grab anoraks. It was on the home straight, within sight of our tent, that I lost my footing on the now-perilous ground and sank foot first into a suspiciously deep puddle of swamp-like mud. The smell rising from the disturbed trough confirmed my greatest fears - I had fallen into a hole filled to the brim with human shit. To this day, I don’t understand what would drive somebody to think ‘I really need to shit, I’ll dig a hole in the middle of this busy track and go there’ and then what would drive other people to see it, and think ‘what a fucking brilliant idea, I’ll go in there as well.’” – El Hunt

BE WARY OF STRANGER SEX

“I was having the best time of my life at some drag queen disco tent at Glastonbury and, after one too many pills, at 4am I decided it would be a good idea to sneak off with this hot man I’d met in the crowd and have some traditional festival sex. He may have been hot, but a month down the line when I had some issues ‘down there’ I realised he had given me syphilis. Luckily I am now all in working order, but it put me off similar rendezvouses for LIFE.” – Anonymous (obviously)

DON’T BE AN ASS

"At FYF last year my friend pushed me into the Mac DeMarco mosh pit and I ended up getting stuck at the front by the railing. After about two hours I wanted to leave, so everyone tried to lift me up so that the security guards could help me over the gate. Unfortunately, my dress got stuck and blew over my head. The camera guy decided to zoom in and got a nice shot of my ass on both the big screens. Charming." – Ciara Mendez

CHEAP IS NOT ALWAYS CHEERFUL

"I was at Bestival one year and I'd ran out of beer but I was also pretty skint. Instead of spending a fiver on a pint I decided to buy some beer off of some guys who were selling their own bottles out of the back of their car for a couple of quid each. When I got back to my friends and took that first gulp, it was quite clear they'd sold me bottles of actual piss. I didn't go back and confront them as they looked like they could easily beat me up." – Oscar Skinner

DON’T PANIC

"I was at Glastonbury a couple of years ago and had a record breaking four-day panic attack. I remember retching with panic induced nausea so hard that I kept farting, much to the rest of the campsites delight. I hadn’t slept for the whole ordeal, and we were due to fly to Cuba the day after the festival. Instead, I spent about £300 trying to escape the panic attack, spending my sleep-deprived hell in taxis and the Holiday Inn. Fuck knows why I was there. I don’t even like festivals." – Stephanie Wilson

REMEMBER, LOVE IS PAIN

"Last year, my friends and I decided to go to the Hurricane Festival in Germany. One day we saw this couple aggressively making out in the middle of a crowded field on the ground. We thought it would be fun to cuddle up with them, so my friend joined them. Suddenly a lot of passers by thought it would be funny to join in too. We thought a public massive cuddling session with strangers was the best thing to happen to us. Unfortunately the fun turned to horror, when the girl from the original couple was badly hurt, because she was squished underneath ten people so we had to call an ambulance. That night, when I got back to my tent I noticed it was ripped and my phone was stolen out of it. That’s karma." – Miray Soyak

DON’T BE A PICKPOCKET PUNCHBAG

“Last year, I managed to get a VIP pass to Pitchfork Chicago for the Sunday. They had loads of free alcohol so I ended up getting completely hammered. Then my friend gave me a pot brownie, which didn’t help the situation. At some point we ended up in the crowd to see Kendrick Lamar and there was this hot guy’s butt pushing up against my crotch. I was too wasted to realise what I was doing, so I grabbed his waist and started dancing. Suddenly he turns around and is like, ‘You’re trying to pick my pockets!’ and punches me in the head. Luckily, it was pretty painless and I escaped.” – Nick Thompson

PREDICT YOUR RIOTS

“Reading festival is a horror story in itself. I was forced to go in 2009 after I’d finished my exams as all of my friends wanted to go. This was the year before the ‘fire safety team’ was introduced, and I’d heard there was often rioting on the Sunday night. Of course, when I returned to my tent on Sunday night I found that everyone had gone crazy and my tent had been burnt to the ground along with my sleeping bag. I ended up trying to sleep on the grass, shivering in the cold and using my backpack as a pillow. Never again.” – Isi Cooper

DON’T EAT THE CHIPS

"My mum and I went to Glastonbury when I was about 12 years old and we stayed in a hotel right next to the festival because it wasn’t too expensive. It was the year Primal Scream were playing and they’re one of my mum’s favourite bands. On the first day I ended up getting food poisoning from some dodgy chips and I couldn’t stop vomiting. We ended up staying in the hotel for most of the festival, and we watched Primal Scream from the TV. My mum could hear them playing from the window if she listened really hard. I still feel bad about that ten years later." – Anonymous

STEER CLEAR OF THE SMALL SAUSAGE MAN

"There was this one time I got too high on hash cakes whilst watching Squarepusher and ended up laughing all the way through their entire set. That was until I started crying to a small man who was selling sausages. Another time, I was forced to sit in a van with Ocean Colour Scene whilst they listened to all of their own music and I was missing the bands I actually wanted to see." – Sam S

DRUGS AND APHEX TWIN DON’T MIX

"I was at Rockness and I thought I’d taken some MDMA but it was something else entirely and I started unexpectedly tripping out. This would have been fine if I hadn’t been seeing Aphex Twin at the time. On stage, they had dancing clowns who removed their masks to reveal elderly, gurning men. And this was before a camera scanned the crowd for faces, finally settling on my own, and distorted my face into an Aphex Grin on the big screen. I subsequently screamed and ran back to hide inside my tent. It was completely terrifying." – Peter Cameron