Gentlemen, diss tracks about eating fondue and playing lacrosse just won't cut it these days
Jay Z and Drake are at it again, caught up in a rather tame rally of beef tennis. Drake criticised Jay earlier this year in a Rolling Stone interview, slamming his interest in collecting art. Then the "99 Problems" star responded to the diss with a verse on a Jay Electronica track with a retaliatory rhyme: "Sorry Mrs Drizzy for so much art talk, silly me rappin' 'bout shit I really bought."
This month, Drake made an offhand comment whilst commentating on a basketball game, remarking that "Jay's probably off somewhere eating a fondue plate." Unwilling to let sleeping beef lie, Jay responded with a verse on a new DJ Khaled track, "They Don't Love You No More":
"Haters wanna ball, let me tighten up my drawstring / Wrong sport boy, you know you're soft as a lacrosse team." It's a laborious back-and-forth that clearly neither side has the heart to escalate. (FYI, Jay, you might wanna rethink the idea that only weak little girls play lacrosse – we're sure Beyoncé would have something to say about that.) And eating fondue? What happened to proper diss tracks? It's not exactly the glory days of Jay Z versus Nas, is it?
But rap beef doesn't just extend to rap these days. At Coachella, Arcade Fire aimed fire at DJs everywhere with a shout-out "to all the bands playing real instruments". Deadmau5 responded on Twitter with this on-point putdown:
arcade fire needs to settle down. some dudes devote their lives to instruments, others to electronic composition by cpu, dafuqs yer problem?— deadmau5 (@deadmau5) April 23, 2014
Dafuq's your problem, bro? Of course, arguments between artists have been going on for centuries. The philosopher Frederic Nietzsche, once a friend of the German composer Richard Wagner, wrote an essay in the late 19th century called "Nietzsche contra Wagner", a piece of writing outlining his disapproval of Wagner's artistic and personal choices. Nietzsche lambasted Wagner's conversion to Christianity and told him that his music was a contrived sham. Grill that 19th-century beef, Nietzsche!
And whatever you think about Noel Gallagher, at least he's always capable of a good insult, including this one on Jack White: "He looks like Zorro on doughnuts.". Note to Drake and Jay Z: fuck it, that's how you beef. This nonsense about fondue and lacrosse is wafer thin. If you've got nothing horrible to say, then don't say it at all.