Model and actress Hari Nef has opened up about the trans experience in a searingly honest new essay. 

The piece, was was unveiled in Lena Dunham’s Lenny newsletter earlier this week, talks openly about social media, hypervisibility and Nef’s burgeoning career as a model. It also admits her willingness to be defined by her gender identity, and how she may have taken advantage of the trans community’s “moment” in the mainstream media.

“I couldn't remember when I'd stopped willing to be trans and started wanting to be trans,” writes the Transparent star. “If there were a difference, I'd forgotten it.”

“I never saw this moment take root... I didn't preexist this moment. I think I might be a product of it.”

Nef also discusses her initial devastation at finding online criticism against her – with the star thrashing through the comments, and attempting to respond in the right way.

“I search my name on Tumblr more than I Google myself, and I Google myself every day,” she admits. “Critics gather in the blue grid – of my politics, privilege unchecked. They got me for messy Caitlyn discourse (‘Don't let her affect you if you don't want to be affected by her!’), a defense of Rihanna's last Met Gala dress (‘It was so big that it transcended cultural appropriation’), some jab to a hater about how much money I was making. The critiques were good, and they were coming from trans women, so they hurt.”

You can read the full essay on the Lenny site, or subscribe to the newsletter here.