Many of you reading this will have a skin regime of some sorts – maybe you cleanse, exfoliate, tone and moisturise. However, I’d bet that many of you reading don’t count "putting your friend’s semen on" as a key part of the process.

Beauty blogger Tracy Kiss suffers from a skin condition called rosacea – a problem that causes rashy redness and increased sensitivity. However, Kiss shuns traditional treatments, instead opting for something that may gross other people out: semen.

In her "Semen Facial Tutorial" video, Kiss explains the condition and her process while championing the rejuvenating qualities of semen. The first, important, burning question anyone would ask is "Who is providing the semen?" A friend, apparently, who brings round his cum in a "pot from the Chinese takeaway".

Kiss has a friend who "harvests semen in his own time". Kiss says she is "not involved in the semen extraction", but she is certainly a very demanding Project Manager, overseeing the man’s diet in the run up to his "donation", ensuring that he hasn’t taken drugs, he doesn’t smoke or drink 48 hours beforehand. One thing this man never says: what a time to be alive. In the video, Kiss says ominously, "If I ever have a husband I will be using him every morning".

Originally, my interest in this story centred on the unusual practice of applying semen to your face to treat a skin condition. Now, my laser focus is on this mystery semen cow, a man whose life appears totally dominated by the demand for more ejaculate. Does he drive round with his delivery? Or is he tied up in the garage, emaciated, wanking into pots that used to hold hoisin sauce, while beauty blogger Tracy Kiss bangs on the door screaming "I NEED MORE CUM RIGHT NOW YOU WORTHLESS HEAP OF ORGANS".

The fact that she has to enforce a "no drink or drugs" rule implies that maybe he’d like to do that, but every time his friend says "hey, wanna come out tonight, we’re going on a big one", he must decline on the absolutely crazed basis that his semen must be up to scratch.

If he is just a regular guy, I’d like to wildly speculate that he’s madly in love with Tracy and this is the easiest way to see her every day. Is there another reason to bring round semen to someone’s house every single day? Is anyone that nice a guy?

It’s obviously commendable (and lucky) that Tracy Kiss has found a way to treat her troublesome skin condition, but there is another story here – that is the story of The Human Semen Cow. If you’re out there, if you even have access to internet, we’d love to hear from you.