If you ever decide to pack up and leave home for a few months, make sure you travel with a friend who you can talk about anything and everything with. One day on our journey, I told mine that, growing up, I never thought I was going to have sex. And that I was actually repulsed by the idea before I had sex for the first time. She introduced me to asexuality. I had briefly heard of it before, but I didn’t really understand what it had meant. She suggested I look into it more.

In the weeks after realising I might be asexual, I replayed old memories in my head. Intimate moments with ex-lovers were on repeat as I dissected the sexual encounters we had and wondered: “Was that sexual attraction?” I spent hours researching asexuality. I even reached out to asexual people online and asked advice. No matter how many people I spoke to and no matter how many well-worded, informative articles I read, I realised that there’s no way someone else can tell you what you are feeling. You’ve really got to come to terms with these things yourself.

If you find yourself wondering if you’ve ever felt sexual attraction, you probably haven’t. If you think you might be asexual, you probably are. You don’t have to label yourself at all, but it does feel nice to be able to put words to what you are feeling and to know that you are not alone in these feelings. You can also keep in mind that sexuality is fluid, and if you don’t like the label you’ve given yourself, you can always change your mind.

‘There are many asexual people who are repulsed by sex, and there are many who aren’t. There are some asexuals who even enjoy the act of sex, but no one sexuality is less valid’

I was so reluctant to label myself as asexual because there are times that I have felt sexual attraction, but so infrequently that I’m most comfortable identifying as grey asexual. Asexuality is widely considered to be a spectrum, and grey asexuals fall into that spectrum between asexuality and sexuality, meaning they feel sexual attraction, however their urges of sexual attraction are so irregular that they feel more comfortable identifying as asexual. Some asexuals call themselves “demisexuals”. Demisexuality is a sexuality where the individual doesn’t feel sexual attraction at all unless they form an emotional bond with someone - which can mean anything from a friendship to a work relationship. The community is incredibly diverse. There are many asexual people who are repulsed by sex, and there are many who aren’t. There are some asexuals who even enjoy the act of sex, but no one sexuality is less valid.

We live in a society that has conditioned us to think that everyone has sex all the time. Society taught me from a young age that women don’t enjoy sex as much - that it always feels like a chore to us. I’ve seen too many sitcoms that use a woman’s lack of sexual enjoyment as a punch line. And this is so damaging, not just for women, but for asexual people, too. Lack of sexual attraction does not equate a poor sex life, and anyone, of all genders, can be asexual.

Asexuality isn’t brought on by a hormone imbalance or any type of trauma. We aren’t celibate. Celibacy and “saving yourself for the right person” are a choice, while being asexual isn’t. Asexuality is also often confused with aromanticism, which is lack of romantic attraction. Although there are many misconceptions about asexuality, it’s a fairly simple concept. Asexuality is simply the lack of sexual attraction.

‘Others take matters into their own hands and try to push asexual people to have sex with them. “Corrective rape” is a very real issue that some asexual people face’

Asexuality is constantly ignored or passed off as “not real”, and sometimes asexuality is even excluded from the LGBTIA+ community with some arguing that the “A” stands for ally.  

Worryingly, there are some people who see our asexuality as a challenge. The response can be that we “just haven’t had good sex yet.” Others take matters into their own hands and try to push asexual people to have sex with them. “Corrective rape” is a very real issue that some asexual people face. There should be more education on these issues so that asexual people can feel safe coming out to the people around them, without fear of being excluded, misunderstood, or sexually assaulted.

While it’s not necessary to come out at all, it is really nice to be able to talk to the people you are closest to about this very intimate part of you. If any of your friends or family members come out to you as asexual, please be open to what they have to say. Listen to them. Don’t tell them that their sexuality isn’t real or that they aren’t asexual. With education comes power, and that power is living in a world where people are brought up with knowledge on romantic and sexual preferences so that they never feel alone in who they are/aren’t attracted to.

If you’d like to learn more about asexuality, grey asexuality, aromanticism, and demisexuality, you can listen to The Asexuality Podcast on iTunes for free.