Now that the dust has settled on the weirdest and most divisive election in living memory, we're finally faced with our true reptilian overlords: a Conservative government that will rule with an overall majority. As David Cameron, our new lizard king, settles into power, he's also reshuffled the Cabinet – with many people pointing out that most ministerial positions are filled by people who voted against or don't believe in the thing they're in charge of.

It's led to an astounding situation in which Caroline Dineage, who voted against gay marriage, is now Equalities Minister, and our new Justice Secretary Michael Gove once advocated the return of hanging. Ominous. So we decided to round up five of the most contradictory and outrageous statements made by the people who are meant to protect your rights. Welcome to the age of doublethink politics.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens: as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone."

This gem is from David Cameron, who will be making a speech on a new counter-extremism bill. This will include new powers to ban groups if ministers "reasonably believe" that they pose a threat to society. The same orders can also apply to individuals. So what constitutes reasonable belief? Who knows. The real story here is that Cameron is essentially saying that being a law-abiding citizen isn't enough to guarantee your freedom from government surveillance and interference. Didn't some guy called George Orwell write a book about this?

Rating: 11 out of 10 snatched milk bottles

"Preventing same-sex couples from being allowed to ‘marry’ takes nothing away from their relationship."

This anti-LGBT line comes from Caroline Dineage, who has just been given the title of Equalities Minister in the most farcical appointment yet. In her letter to a Pink News reader, she also stated that the state had "no right" to redefine marriage. She ended up voting against the same-sex marriage when the bill came through Parliament. Dineage has since U-turned on her original stance, claiming in a statement issued by the Department for Education, "I am fully committed to advancing the cause of LGBT equality and support the law on same sex marriage."

Rating: 8 out of 10 snatched milk bottles

"Hanging may seem barbarous, but the greater barbarity lies in the slow abandonment of our common law traditions. Were I ever alone in the dock I would not want to be arraigned before our flawed tribunals... I would prefer a fair trial, under the shadow of the noose."

This heinously overwritten paragraph is courtesy of Michael Gove, our new Justice Secretary. He called for the return of hanging in a Times article in 1998. The funny thing is, most of the Tories will never stand trial for the number of people their policies have killed while in office. 

Rating: 8 out of 10 snatched milk bottles

"The zero-hour contract is badly named. I don’t know whoever came up with that idea. It should be named the flexible hours contract."

If you don't like something going on, why don't you just rename it to something more PR-friendly? Iain Duncan Smith made this very suggestion to Sky News just as the debate over zero hours contracts skyrocketed into the public consciousness this year. He's remaining in cabinet as Work and Pensions Secretary. Next up: he will rename unemployment as "non-contracted chill-out time" and workplace harassment as "hands-on employee motivational strategy".

Rating: 6 out of 10 snatched milk bottles

"The Hunting Act has done nothing for animal welfare."

That's the Hunting Act that outlawed fox hunting, by the way. Who knew that foxes stopped qualifying as animals, right? David Cameron wrote in support of ditching the ban in Countryside Alliance this March, adding "it is my firm belief that people should have the freedom to hunt". The Conservative manifesto promised a free vote on overturning the 2004 ban, and since they've got an overall majority in the Commons… Expect to see fox hunting back on the agenda.

Rating: 6 out of 10 snatched milk bottles