England's performance this summer was a sad, short, family holiday defined only by ennui, regrets and disappointment. What could have been definitely wasn't and despite a bubbling undercurrent of optimism across the country, we were unable to achieve a single victory during our trip to Brazil. Overall report: embarrassing.
Who is to blame? Roy "The Owl" Hodgson? An inexperienced squad? A total lack of ability?
After much straw clutching and some horrible post mortems, with none of us any better off understanding the England side's abject failure, we had to get in touch with Zomby, a man never short of an opinion and a devout follower of football.
We followed the enigmatic artist from London to Paris to talk formations, motivation and Rihanna. True to form, we weren't allowed to see his face.
Dazed: Do you think that you would have done a better job than Roy Hodgson at guiding this English team to glory?
Zomby: Definitely. Roy just isn’t very chic but I still like him, despite the custom Hublot [watch]. Watching Italy vs England it became obvious that Pirlo's sense of style was way ahead of anything the England team had seen before. They were unlucky that game really though, shout out to Raheem Sterling.
How would you motivate your team before the game? What tunes would you have on in the dressing room?
Zomby: I think it’d have to be a few inspiring jams like the DJ SS remix of 'Limb by Limb' by Cutty Ranks or ‘Valley of the Shadows’ by Origin Unknown. If at half time we were fading I'd drop ‘Original Nuttah’ by Shy FX or ‘Come To Daddy’ by Aphex Twin. After these recent England performances, after every game I'd stick on 'Hurt' by Johnny Cash.
Where would you play Zomby in the England team - what position?
Zomby: Probably central midfield or upfront. You know i like to have vision and my play could slot in with Welbeck and Sturridge. I could partner Sterling nicely too.
Rihanna offered her thoughts on the England team - do you think you and her would make a good team working on tactics? What formation would you play?
Zomby: She did, she seems to understand, so I think between us we could definitely formulate a plan. Rihanna would be great motivation for the team just her presence would lift the squad dramatically. We'd play 1-10 in a crucifix formation and have everybody praying for 90 minutes.
Man they know better than to give Suarez that much room bruh!— Rihanna (@rihanna) June 19, 2014
If Rihanna managed England we'd definitely win the trophy— ZOMBY ® (@ZombyMusic) June 20, 2014
How did you feel after Luis Suarez’s second goal?
Zomby: Deflated really. I mean nobody even marked him, he shot twice and scored twice. Soon I was buzzing though because I realised I'd picked that goai. I picked all 3 goals and the final score and had a minor windfall so in a way I was like "whatever", I didn’t care too much.
Is there a team that you’re rooting for now England have messed it up, if so - why are you supporting them?
Zomby: Yeah italy because of Pirlo and Balotelli but also Brazil just because they’re Brazil, I love watching them. I think that they'll probably go on to win it.
Do you think there’s an England player that you would have done better than?
Zomby: Definitely Steven Gerrard.
Why are England so permanently bad?
Zomby: 1. Shit weed 2. A sense of regret before the event.
Follow Thomas Gorton on Twitter here @angstromhoot