Florida resident wants to marry his porn-filled laptop

Chris Sevier is intervening in a gay marriage case in order to fight to legally wed his Apple MacBook

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Hey, Siri, do you love me?

Sure, you love your MacBook, but do you really really love your MacBook? Florida resident Chris Sevier has taken his love for Apple to a whole new level: he's trolling a state gay marriage case by filing a motion on behalf of "other minority sexual orientation groups". So he can marry his "porn-filled Apple computer". 

Florida is considering a landmark gay marriage case which fights for legal recognition of same-sex marriages performed in other states. In his 24-page filing, Sevier argues that if gay couples "have the right to marry their object of sexual desire, even if they lack corresponding sexual parts, then I should have the right to marry my preferred sexual object." Just to reiterate: that's a computer.

He goes on to write about the day he first set eyes on his electronic bride-to-be:

"Recently, I purchased an Apple computer. The computer was sold to me without filters to block out pornography. I was not provided with any warning by Apple that pornography was highly addictive and could alter my reward cycle by the manufacturer. Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women. Naturally, I 'fell in love' with my computer and preferred having sex with it over all other persons or things, as a result of classic conditioning upon orgasm." 

So romantic! This isn't the first time the ex-Army veteran has attempted to stage a legal protest against gay rights: he once sued A&E for firing one of Duck Dynasty's reality show stars over his homophobic remarks. But it's probably the first time a homophobe is trying to intervene in the case for gay marriage by publicly announcing that he's really into having sex with a computer.  

Sevier's argument was thrown out in Florida court. "Perhaps the motion is satirical. Or perhaps it is only removed from reality," wrote Judge Robert Hinkle in his ruling. Sevier is now attempting to force another state to recognise his polycarbonate sweetheart by filing a 50-page motion in Utah. 

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