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Ranking the tracks on Pornhub’s Christmas album

Ranking the tracks on Pornhub’s Christmas album by horniness

‘Naughty girl’, ‘Ho’, and ‘Vixen’ all feature on XXXmas

Pornhub has released a very much NSFW Christmas album featuring A$AP Ferg, Sukihana, Mila J, and Rubi Rose, among others. The festive numbers are available to stream on Apple Music, Spotify, and a number of other platforms, just in time for the holiday season.

Corey Price, the Vice President of the adult entertainment company, said: “We’re excited to bring some holiday cheer to our fans with our XXXmas holiday album. It’s a star-studded lineup featuring some of today’s most popular musicians.”

A$AP Ferg, who features on the track “Mistletoe”, said of its release: “I made the craziest Christmas song for this album and I can’t wait for everyone to hear it.” A lot of interesting decisions have been made here, but the overriding question is, was this record intended to be fucked to? To find out, we listened to the album and rated it by horniness. 


Like any self-respecting album from the last five years, Pornhub’s XXXmas uses voicemail to deepen its narrative, and to help ground it in reality. Santa (who’s pretty busy rn) has put Mrs Claus straight to voicemail: “I hate that you care so much about everyone, it’s never about me,” she exclaims. “I want Santa to visit me on Christmas too! But you know what, I’ve found someone else, his gifts and attention are only for me, and he slides down my chimney better than you ever did!

Trouble is brewing in the Claus family… how’s Santa getting out of this?

Horniness rating: 🤶🏼🍑


This one goes in hard. Rapper Sukihana wants Mr Claus to pay up for his extra-marrital excursions: “You want some ass Santa? Well I want some cash Santa,” she says. “I'll be your lil freak but Suki ain't cheap”. How does this all play out? Well, Suki doesn't leave much to the imagination: “I jump on his head and I tell him go deep, then I jump off his knee, then I catch when he skeet, then I spit it back up then I lick it back up, then I swallow it all.”

“Ho” is a Christmas gift that keeps on giving.

Horniness rating: 🎅 💦


A$AP Ferg starts strong here: “Mistle... toe, camel… toe, strike a… pose,” Nice. But this track is really lacking thrust. The lyrics, the production, the melody, it all sounds like it was finished in about half an hour tops. I think A$AP released this one prematurely.

Horiness rating: 😬


Ain’t no silent night (no) not when I ride it right,” sings Rubi Rose, which might explain why Santa is too tired to pick up Mrs Claus’ phone calls. And she makes sure Mr Claus is putting in the work: “I don’t wanna sit in your lap, I want to sit on your face, he want to hit it unwrapped, first you gotta take a taste”. Rose even makes sure Santa’s elves are making something for the adults as well as the kids: “All through the house making noise, I like it better with toys.” 

Horniness rating: 👅 🍭


Despite the title, this track begins quite relaxed and melodic with references to “holy water” and “smoking like we in Amsterdam”. But then the chorus hits: “We on some holiday freak shit, let’s stay up and fuck all weekend”. Not one to beat around the bush, Mila J then gets to the point and goes: “Face down ass up under the Christmas Tree”.

Horniness rating: 🍑 🎄

Listeen to XXXmas in full below.