Madame Tussauds unveil their new Beyoncé wax figure

Let’s spare a moment to think about what life must be like for a wax sculptor. You toil away, learning your craft, and one day you get the opportunity to showcase your art at Madame Tussauds, of all places. You’re excited. Proud. You get on with the task at hand, doing the best you can. Then you discover that with the public at large, you cannot fucking win. If you create your finest work, a wax figure that actually looks like the celebrity it’s based on, you’re entering uncanny valley. It’s too spooky. Not quite right. Haunting.

But then if you get it wrong – well, you’ll be the laughing stock of the Internet, as is the case with Madame Tussauds latest sculpture of Beyoncé. At least, it’s meant to be Beyoncé. It would be more believable as Mariah Carey or Shakira or Lindsay Lohan, even, but it claims to be Bey. And just...just look at this imposter. I mean, I know that I, with my lowly skills, couldn’t carve a wax sculpture that looked convincingly like an egg, let alone Beyoncé. But I’d have a good crack at it. I’d try, but what we have here is an expert, a pro in the game, that hasn’t even done that. It’s gotten to 2pm on Friday and his boss has asked him to knock out a quick Bey and he’s feeling pretty resentful about it so he’s done his very least. He’s not looked at a photo for reference, nor even attempted to capture her glow. What he has done is gone: “well, it looks like a woman! And it’s holding a microphone! Good enough.” and gone down the pub.

I mean, it could be worse, but it’s not even bad enough to be hilariously bad. F for effort, sir.

At least it’s not as bad as this one.