Why are men fetishising autistic women on dating apps?

Anyone who’s used a dating app knows that men’s profiles are often littered with clichés: from references to enjoying “going on long walks” and “having a roast dinner”, to claims that they’re looking for a partner who’s just as into Formula 1 as they are. Most of these Hinge prompts and Bumble bios, while dull, are pretty innocuous – but now a new, more troubling trend is gaining traction. Increasingly, straight men on dating apps have been spotted searching for “slightly autistic women”, or those with “a touch of the tism”, as they sometimes put it.

It’s possible that some of these men are autistic themselves and merely looking for a like-minded partner. But it’s more likely that swathes of them are fetishising neurodivergence. It’s telling that the vast majority of these profiles state they want a girl who is only “slightly autistic,” which implies that they’d be happy to date a woman with more ‘palatable’ autistic traits (eg, someone with a broad range of passions and interests) but would draw the line at a partner with less socially ‘acceptable’ characteristics (eg, someone who exhibits more obvious stimming behaviours). 

Autistic sex educator Milly Evans has been on dating apps since she was 18. She says it is “genuinely wild” how often she sees references to autism on people’s profiles. “I’d like to have a conversation with these people to understand what they’re hoping to achieve,” she tells Dazed. From her point of view, allistic (non-autistic) people claiming to want a “slightly autistic” girlfriend suggest “they either don’t know what autism is, or want to attract someone they perceive as more vulnerable.”

How did we get to a stage where neurotypical men feel comfortable enough to make jokes about wanting an autistic girlfriend on apps like Hinge? Initially, jokes about “tism rizz” started as a social media trend within the neurodivergent community to describe how their traits have charmed their romantic interests (think: endearing mannerisms like hair playing or showing an impressive amount of knowledge about a special interest). But as time has gone on, people from outside the community have attempted – and largely failed – to get in on the joke too. 

This has been catalysed by the fact that we now live in a post-woke era, where political correctness is officially out of fashion. Couple that with an algorithm that boosts controversial content, and it’s easy to trace how we’ve ended up in a situation where provocative language has been able to enter the mainstream under the guise of dark humour. “The social media landscape is normalising speaking about other people in ways that violate our values and integrity, all for the sake of humour or entertainment,” psychologist Dr Sabrina Romanoff tells Dazed.

A man who claims autistic women are his type probably isn’t prepared to deal with meltdowns and miscommunications

By fetishising autism, little care or attention is paid to the challenges women on the spectrum are made to face. “I’ve been shut out of social circles for being autistic. I’ve had to develop a system with my partner whenever we go outside to avoid meltdowns caused by overstimulation. I even sit in the dark for hours because just being in a lit room can make my skin crawl,” 27-year-old Carina tells Dazed. “This isn’t even the full list of disruptive ways autism affects my life, which is why it’s disappointing how it’s often framed as just cute hyperfixations and quirkiness.”

Within the dating scene, Evans says that autistic people can often find themselves at risk due to unclear allistic communication styles. “Given that so much of flirting and getting to know someone is tied up in nonverbal communication like body language and unspoken rules which differ for everyone you meet, it’s all too easy for us to think we’re on the same page as someone, only to find out we’ve been misinterpreted.” After getting her diagnosis, Evans had to take a long break from dating upon realising just how many times she’s been taken advantage of. In more extreme cases, a shocking study found that nine out of ten autistic French women have been victims of sexual violence, and are three times more likely to be targeted by offenders.

With all this in mind, it’s vital to actually listen to members of the community, instead of viewing them through inaccurate tropes. “A man who claims autistic women are his type probably isn’t prepared to deal with meltdowns and miscommunications,” Carina says. “He probably just wants to get with a woman with youthful interests and colourful outfits, who will take him at his word when he tells her he’s a good guy.”

LGBTQ+ psychotherapist and co-founder of Boundless NY, Prema Menon, has some advice for any autistic women looking for love. “Look for consistency between their actions and words. Predators usually rely on charm and wit over text, but avoid accountability in the real world,” she says. “If you say that you move slowly and need someone who can respect that, honest people will lean in. Manipulators, however, will push back or negotiate.” And as is the case for anyone – allistic or autistic – navigating the trenches, it also helps to have a support network. “Outside perspectives who can help catch red flags that you may be overlooking,” Menon says. 

And, maybe, it’s advisable to steer clear of any men on the apps who say they want an “autistic girlfriend”, when in reality they just want a Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Because, after all, everybody deserves to be with someone who sees and accepts them for who they truly are.