There’s a scene in the comedy show Arrested Development where Tobias and Lindsay Fünke, a hopelessly ill-suited couple, are discussing how to save their marriage. He tells her that in his work as a therapist he’d previously advised struggling couples to try opening their relationship. “Well, did it work for those people?” she asks him. He replies: “No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might but… But it might work for us.”

For a long time, this is how I saw attempts by former couples to reunite and make their relationship work a second time. “Hang it up!” I’d say at my phone when I saw two former exes posting from the same bed and breakfast in the Cotswolds. I wasn’t trying to be a cow, I’d just seen it not work so many times, and to such devastating effect, that I felt strongly it was a fool’s mission and a waste of everyone’s precious, sexy lives.

But then a friend did it with her ex – successfully – and I was forced to soften my feelings and my judgements. Because if it can work, and life is only so long, then why not give the possibility of a good love everything you have? 

My first piece of advice is to make totally sure that, well, you’re sure. Because there’s a big difference between missing an ex, still having feelings for an ex, thinking a lot about an ex, and actually having any evidence that successful reconciliation is possible. Not to dismiss your feelings, but sometimes those feelings are crazy and weird and absolutely shouldn’t be allowed to guide your actions.

Don’t rush to catch up to wherever you imagined you were before

Basically, you need to be more than desperately missing someone, feeling lost in your life and wishing things hadn’t ended to craft a second act of a whole human relationship. So, talk to people in your life who you know will be lovingly honest with you. People who won’t dramatically take sides but won’t be afraid to gently reality check you and ask the right questions. A relationship can absolutely flourish a second time around, but not unless what was unworkable can be made to work, and what was out of sync can be aligned.

Once you’re back together, you’ll need to be mindful not to forget that you’re in this relationship, not that relationship. You aren’t picking up exactly where you left off, because where you left off was a relationship that had broken down. You’re making something new and you’re doing it together, and so even if you’ve been to their step-grandma’s Boxing Day turkey curry party three years in a row, or once talked about what you wanted to name your kids, you should still treat this relationship as new – or at the very least refurbished. Go on dates, take time to ask the same questions you’d ask a brand-new partner, and don’t rush to catch up to wherever you imagined you were before. 

When it comes to rehashing what went wrong the first time, tread carefully there too. It needn’t be taboo, and frank negotiations will be necessary, but don’t needlessly remind them of that mistake and that fight and that awkward brunch date where they drank too many peach Bellinis and accidentally called you the wrong name. Make space for the hard conversations about the break-up and the things that weren’t healthy, but do so intentionally and at agreed times. 

This honesty may also include discussing what happened during your time apart, and if it does, then be very clear on what you want to hear about and what you absolutely don’t. If you both want to know about the sexy and romantic things that went down with other people, then prepare yourself for how painful that might be, and the kind of feelings that might bring up (guilt, envy, confusion, insecurity). Don’t overshare, but if you’re telling, then tell accurately. A relationship 2.0 may be able to survive one or both of you having been with someone else during the hiatus, but it’s not likely to survive dishonesty and something coming to light down the road. Say it, sit with it, move on! 

Make space for the hard conversations about the break-up and the things that weren’t healthy, but do so intentionally

It’s worth acknowledging too that many relationships only work a second time if something (or someone) has changed. Sometimes a relationship might end because of a major life event, an unavoidable change in location, a loss, a realisation that some time alone and exploration is needed. But other times the issue is more that two people aren’t communicating effectively, aren’t offering one another the things they need to feel safe, and aren’t dealing with their respective shit. You don’t need to be a drill sergeant about it, but keep each other honest about maintaining those changes. See this as something healthy and edifying rather than punitive. 

It’s also wise to prepare for some friends and family to be a little wary when you break the news. They’re likely to have seen their own share of failed reconciliations and will inevitably worry that you’re setting yourself up to go through the same terrible heartbreak a second time around. Explain that you know the risks, and are making a proper effort to start afresh and address what went wrong. If you’re open to comment, invite it. If you’re not, then politely tell them you’d love if they could trust you and be on your side. 

Ultimately, any relationship worth its salt is challenging and requires effort, labour and time. Many relationships can thrive and any relationship can end. But if you’re very good to one another, remain clear-eyed about what went wrong, and try to release the outcome while also staying focused on imagining and making a shared future, getting back together with an ex actually might work for you. Good luck!