Finally, a bit of good news! This is the week of the rapture, when Christians will rise into the clouds to be reunited with the Lord and everyone gets left behind to suffer through an agonising, seven-year tribulation. Inspired by a viral YouTube video from a South African pastor, some Christians have been selling all their possessions and taking to TikTok to share advice on this exciting event, which is due to take place any day now. We haven’t been able to fact-check this, but it sounds legit. And isn’t it better to be on the safe side and assume that it’s happening, rather than being caught off guard? Whether you’re one of the lucky saved or a not-so repentant sinner, don’t worry: we’ve got you covered. 

WHAT EXACTLY IS THE RAPTURE?

While it doesn’t appear in the Bible, the rapture is an end-time belief shared by many Christians around the world and particularly in the US, where it first originated in the 1800s. The idea is that living believers and the souls of dead Christians alike will ascend to heaven for a glorious kiki, while everyone else has to deal with a great earthquake, rivers turning into blood, the stars falling from the sky, the Whore of Babylon (or the ‘Sex Worker of Babylon’, as I prefer to call her!) and the rise of Satan himself. According to a 2022 survey from the Pew Research Centre, almost half of US Christians think that the end-time is nigh, so this isn’t exactly a niche belief. 

In a video explaining the situation to those left behind, TikToker ‘romans.ten.9through11’ said, “the people who disappeared or appeared to be unalived in a great mass are not abducted by aliens nor did they die [...] we were taken to heaven by Jesus Christ, the saviour of the world, because God’s wrath is being poured out on the entire Earth for the next seven years.” There’s likely to be a lot of misinformation going around in the coming days, so let me repeat: being raptured is NOT the same as being unalived.

HOW SHOULD YOU PREPARE FOR GETTING RAPTURED?

First of all, take a moment to pat yourself on the back. It’s a huge honour, as clouty as getting onto the OPIA guestlist or securing front row at Demna’s Gucci. You’re one of the chosen few, diva! But if you’re feeling nervous about leaving the earthly world behind, there are tips and tricks to help smooth the process along. TikToker Sonja suggests buying new underwear, because after you ascend, your clothes are going to float back down to earth, and you don’t want people’s last impression of you to be a manky old pair of boxer briefs. Sonja doesn’t go into specifics, but we’d recommend Agent Provocateur or Fruity Booty’s line of sustainable lingerie. Anyone who’d see it would be a sinner, deemed unworthy by God, but you still want them to think you’re hot, right?

To make sure you’re on the guest list, several TikTok influencers have advised repenting right away. Even if you’re only doing it to hedge your bets, I’m pretty sure it still counts.

WILL YOUR PET BE ALLOWED TO JOIN YOU?

Before anyone gets mad at me, this is not my personal opinion, and I’m speaking only as an expert in Christian theology. But no, sorry. The consensus among the rapture crowd is that dogs will not be ascending, which has caused some upset. “I’ve cried about my sweet Bentley being left behind,” writes one Facebook commentator. “It breaks my heart and [I] always leave the toilet seat up and his food stocked on automatic feedings daily so when I’m raptured he will be fed for days before someone finds him. I just hope he goes to someone who will adore him. I do not believe our pets go to heaven as they don’t have a soul.”  

I’m glad this person is taking such sensible precautions, but how can anyone love their dog and think they don’t have a soul??? This is the ultimate deal-breaker for me. I would rather suffer through the tribulations with my family’s springer spaniel at my side than ascend to heaven without him. 

WHAT SHOULD YOU DO IF YOU’RE LEFT BEHIND?

If the rapture goes ahead, we’re going to suffer through a terrible period of wars, plagues, natural disasters and tyranny. But that’s happening anyway, so don’t worry about it. 

It’s difficult to say whether you still have a chance of being saved, because “the rapture” is kind of fake: the Bible teaches that everyone, true believer or not, must go through the tribulations. If this is how it plays out, then you have a solid seven years to repent of your sins and accept Jesus into your heart.  But there may be some temptations along the way, which brings us to…

WHO IS THE ANTICHRIST?

The Antichrist, unlike the rapture, does actually feature in the Bible, which gives us more to work with. Being evil alone isn’t enough: he is described as a charismatic individual, which rules out Elon Musk, Peter Thiel, Bill Gates or Keir Starmer (Trump, unfortunately, could still be a contender.) Perhaps in an effort to deflect suspicion from himself, Thiel recently suggested that Greta Thunberg might be the culprit... which sounds pretty good? Greta, if you need a snivelling court adviser to help you run the new global world order, please give me a call.