At the end of our five-year relationship, my ex suggested that it was my concerns around his loyalty that caused him to cheat in our relationship. In other words, I thought his infidelity into existence (or manifested it). It’s a concept I initially rolled my eyes at, then forgot about entirely, until recently, when The Wizard Liz revealed online that she’d been cheated on while pregnant by YouTuber Landon Nickerson. As a lifestyle influencer and manifestation coach, The Wizard Liz, whose real name is Lize Dzjabrailova, being cheated on has since set the internet into a spin – even the women who dedicate their lives to embodying “divine femininity” aren’t spared from the deeply painful but unfortunately common experience of infidelity. So, what does the spiritually-charged message that you can “manifest cheating” in your relationship do for how we think about modern relationships? 

As more young people move away from traditional religions and, in turn, seek answers in alternative spirituality, it should come as little surprise that New Age practices like manifestation have found their way into dating culture. According to Todd Baratz, a certified sex therapist and relationship expert, concepts like twin flames, divine feminine and masculine energy and practices like astrology are now deeply shaping how many young people understand relationships. “These frameworks offer fresh, new and beneficial language, comfort, and a sense of control in uncertain emotional terrain, but they also can turn love into a performance or a projection,” he says. “Instead of building relational skills – like communication, conflict repair, or emotional availability – people are using spiritual frameworks to bypass hard conversations or justify toxic dynamics.” 

According to Baratz, the idea that anyone can “manifest” cheating is psychologically reckless, especially for people with anxious attachment, relational trauma or OCD tendencies. “It reinforces the harmful belief that your thoughts create your partner’s behaviour and creates a culture of emotional self-surveillance, where expressing fear is seen as inviting punishment,” he says. “That’s not manifestation – that’s magical thinking weaponised against vulnerability.” Still, Baratz says there’s a kernel of truth (albeit distorted) to warnings over constantly obsessing over whether your partner is being loyal. That behaviour can corrode connections and push people away. “A better framing would be: ‘How can I express my fears without letting them drive the relationship?’ or ‘How can I distinguish between intuitive concern and unresolved trauma?’” says Baratz. 

The reality is that the line between your intuition and your insecurities is usually hard to distinguish. Often, experiencing anxiety around something feels similar in your body as if it is actually happening. Rachel Wright, a psychotherapist in New York, says that the key difference is between fixating on something and processing it. “If someone is spiralling about infidelity daily, it may be a signal that they're not feeling secure in their relationship or with themselves,” she says. The answer, however, isn’t to shame the thought away. "It's to get curious about what's underneath it,” says Wright. “Talking about fears in a trusting relationship doesn't manifest cheating; it builds intimacy and clarity, when done well.”

Trust is a cornerstone for a healthy relationship, and that includes the trust you have in yourself. For people with relational or betrayal-type trauma, Wright says the message that your thoughts can cause cheating in your relationship can worsen anxiety, self-doubt and compulsive reassurance-seeking. “It erodes trust in oneself, not just in others,” she says. It’s also a futile attempt at seeking control over the uncontrollable nature of romantic love. It follows in the same vein as believing that being a “divine feminine” will secure you better dating outcomes. “The rise of divine feminine ideology is, in part, a backlash to burnout culture and emotional over-functioning, especially among women and femmes,” says Wright. “It promises ease, but it often repackages rigid gender roles in a sparkly and spiritual wrapper.” 

The rise of manifestation ideology within dating culture also leaves very little room for nuance. “It’s popular because it offers simplicity to the reality of chaos that often defines all relationships,” says Baratz. “Dating is confusing, gender roles are shifting and people are exhausted. But it often reinforces outdated power dynamics and shames assertive women for having needs, boundaries or desires.” With this in mind, it’s worth thinking of spiritual frameworks as tools and not rules, and asking yourself if you’re turning to spiritual ideas as a substitute for accountability. “Spirituality can absolutely enhance dating when it supports reflection, intuition, and alignment,” says Wright. “But when it silences your voice, justifies mistreatment, or blames you for someone else's behaviour, it's time to reevaluate who the belief system is really serving.”

It’s understandable why people would want to attempt to take control of their dating lives; the modern romantic climate is filled with bad dates, ghosting and, sometimes, infidelity. But pretending we can control the actions of other people with our thoughts alone also limits the possibility of being surprised by the wonders of relationships – the unexpected declarations of love and the moments that catch you off guard. This also means that there’s no divine feminine tool or manifestation technique that can build a healthy relationship, just like feeling anxious about the possibilities of a bad outcome won’t turn that into a reality. “Dating requires embodiment, boundaries and bravery, not just affirmations, rituals and archetypes,” says Baratz. And there’s a special kind of magic in people actively choosing, not willing or attempting to control, a relationship into existence.