For a long time I equated dating with drinking. A first date without at least one overpriced IPA or large glass of Pinot to sip nervously while me and my Hinge date got comfortable enough to take our trousers off? Unfathomable. Unthinkable. Absurd. But as I’ve gotten older and have started to re-evaluate my relationship with booze (still lovely as a treat, but hangovers are no joke), I’m beginning to see those calming IPAs and cheeky school-night bottles of wine as potentially detrimental to the experience of looking for love, rather than a necessary ingredient for it. Between the pain of a hangover, alcohol-induced amnesia, and poor decision-making, drinking while dating can actually do real damage to your love life.

Essentially, it’s little wonder that sobriety is appealing to a lot of people, with recent research estimating that 43 per cent of 18 to 34-year-olds have given up booze entirely. Whether you’re in recovery, trying to save money on first dates or just want to have your wits about you when evaluating the sexual and/or romantic potential of a new person, there’s nothing strange, shameful or silly about it.

Which brings me to my first point: people who try and make you feel strange, ashamed or silly for not drinking are not the right people for you. For your own sanity, it’s worth creating a vetting system that weeds these people out nice and early. Consider disclosing your alcohol-free status on your dating profile or seamlessly dropping it into your first conversation (“Just having a BBQ and cracking open a few alcohol-free beers, wbu?”). This way if they are a tool about it, you can wash your hands of them long before any feelings are involved.

You don’t ever need to justify your sobriety. Just state it as fact

You don’t ever need to justify your sobriety. Just state it as fact and give people a chance to be normal about it or not. If they are, fab. If they’re not? Time to stop, drop and roll away. Because you aren’t on this earth to convince people of the validity of your decision to be sober, and anyone who crosses the line from natural curiosity to condescension deserves to be sent immediately packing.

Next, it’s likely you’ll have to give a bit more thought to date venues if you’re a sober dater. Almost all my first dates have happened in alcohol-adjacent spaces – the pub, a bar, a restaurant where deciding which bottle of wine to share was a key part of flirting. Of course, plenty of sober people still enjoy the energy of these places – the conviviality, the cosy corners, the access to salty snacks, and so on – and if that’s you, then crack on with your alcohol-free lime soda.

But if not, then sober dating can open a world of new activities that don’t rely on keeping tabs of whose round it is: dinner, lunch, brunch, a museum, a comedy show, a walk in the park, a coffee, an erotic plate painting workshop. A date isn’t just an opportunity to flirt over cocktails in a low-lit room: it’s also a chance to see if your life could blend with their life, if the things that make you come alive also have the same effect on them. So, get creative with your dates and lead with the things that speak to who you are as a person and what a life together might look like (don’t actually say this to them on the first date, but feel free to think it).

Take it step by step, learn as you go and don’t entertain anyone who refuses to get on board

Now, let’s talk about sex. Sorry to spring it on you, but I thought it best to come straight out with it, as if you’re someone who is new to totally sober dating, it’s likely you’re also someone who is new to totally sober shagging. The first time I went home with someone without anything in my bloodstream besides, well, my regular blood, I felt stiff and strange in my body, unable to access the recklessness and confidence I’d relied on to power earlier sexual encounters. I had to really ground myself and take things far slower than I otherwise would have.

It might be tempting to try and rush to get sober sex out of the way, or power through your own discomfort so you can tick it off the list, but don’t do this. Understand that you’re trying something new –  expecting yourself to be a natural right away is ungenerous. Stay in each moment as fully as possible, be ready to communicate, and feel your way through it. 

More and more people are exploring life without alcohol and everyone I’ve asked about this has reassured me that the discomforts are temporary, and the rewards deep and long-lasting. Take it step by step, learn as you go and don’t entertain anyone who refuses to get on board. Cheers to that!