Romantic relationships can begin for many reasons, but these days, they all seem to end because of one fatal error: we told the girls about it too soon.

We’ve all been there. One minute, the guy you’re seeing is obsessed with you to the point of planning a joint future. Understandably, you decide to tell your friends, your mum, and anyone who will listen about this wonderful new person you’ve met. Then, inevitably, he’ll turn around and say out of nowhere that he’s ‘not ready for anything serious’ without further explanation. The heartbreak and crushing disappointment alone is bad enough – but it’s so much worse when compounded by the humiliation that comes with having to sheepishly retract our statements.

‘Jinxing’ a potential connection happens so frequently that, arguably, it can’t possibly be chalked up to coincidence. It’s why modern dating culture comes with a series of mandatory defensive strategies, like the Instagram ‘soft launch’, which teases the presence of a significant other without the pressure of a more full-on public announcement. TikTok gurus have also recently started sharing tips on how to protect burgeoning relationships against the “evil eye”, a Judaic concept which purports that showing others our blessings will make them jealous and project negative energy onto us.

But board-certified psychiatrist Dr Michelle Dees argues this is all a manifestation of a cognitive bias. “In situations where events do not go as anticipated, our brains are hardwired to ‘pattern make’ and thus attempt to explain the failure of the relationship as a result of actions, rather than other factors like a lack of compatibility,” she tells Dazed.

Perhaps a more grounded explanation could be the social reality effect: vocalising our goals and intentions with others can lead to a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction, as if we’ve already achieved them. This could make us more complacent or cause us to view our situation through rose-colored lenses.

24-year-old Alice* went through something similar in a past situationship. “I had told all my friends about him very early on, literally calling him ‘my man’ or ‘my guy’ with full confidence that we were going to be an item anyway,” she shares with Dazed. “But looking back, we were strangers. He was a stranger that I built up in my head. So when I popped the [what are we?] question, I must have scared him off.” Perhaps she and ‘her man’ were never on the same page anyway and she was guilty of getting a little carried away.

Another potential reason why jinxing a relationship seems so real could be the very human tendency to self-sabotage when under pressure. Dees says that if telling those we trust about a new connection is met with judgment, “that negative perception can injure the dynamics of how we view and relate to that partner and even ourselves.”

I had told all my friends about him very early on, literally calling him ‘my man’ or ‘my guy’ with full confidence that we were going to be an item anyway. But looking back, we were strangers

One of my friends, 26-year-old Dev, just broke things off with a situationship she recently told me about at a party, stars in her eyes and all. “Minus the fact that he just got out of an eight-year relationship, he’s exactly the kind of guy I wanted to be my boyfriend,” she tells Dazed. When it was just the two of them, Dev felt it was easier to let things flow. “But once other people knew, I started feeling like I had to prove I wasn’t just a rebound.” She explains that thinking everyone was paying attention or analysing the next steps she would take put an undue amount of pressure on the burgeoning relationship.

Plus, we often know deep down whether someone is right or wrong for us without needing feedback from our loved ones. Withholding information from our well-meaning friends might just mean we don’t want them to tell us what we really need to hear. As someone with “zero to little” dating experience, 26-year-old Kate* instinctively turns to her friends for advice. “Every time a potential relationship [of mine] died, I found myself wondering if it was because I was seeking validation from my friends to not go on with it,” she reflects. “After all, why did I have three other human beings give my date a whole SWOT analysis?”

Alice, Dev, and Kate all agree that moving forward, they’ll be sure to exercise discretion during the early stages of a relationship. But it seems disheartening that women in the dating scene must police themselves, even within private conversations. I am inclined to behave the same way, which is why I can’t help but wonder: What happened to wearing our hearts on our sleeves? Is the best time for a hard launch really only at the altar?

In times when we are ruled by fear, it’s worth remembering that the idea of the ‘jinx’ or ‘evil eye’ is based on an illusory correlation: the phenomenon of perceiving two things as related to each other, even when no proof of this exists. As jarring it may seem, sometimes we have to accept that there was no real reason a relationship didn’t work out beyond the fact it just wasn’t meant to be.

Rather than allowing woo-woo to dictate what we say and when we say it, Dees suggests that we do what feels right for ourselves and what would be best for both parties. “There is no such thing as an ideal order of events,” she advises. “For some, discussing the specifics of a new connection might bring unsolicited feedback before any rapport is built. So they may benefit from waiting until both individuals feel secure in the relationship.”

Personally, I am of the firm belief that nothing you say or do will scare the right person away. If your boy of the moment suddenly flakes out on you, consider his departure a blessing in disguise and his silence just another story for the group chat.