TikTok knows I’m single. As a result, my FYP is perpetually clogged with clips of influencers offering me their best advice for navigating the dating trenches. In one video which pops up on my FYP, an attractive white woman with the shit-eating cadence of someone in a long-term relationship reels off a list of relationship red flags: not doing “anything special” for your birthday; neglecting to post photos of you on social media; claiming to be a “bad texter”. If your boyfriend does these things, she says, “he hates you.” She says it again, in case you misunderstood the first time. “He hates you.”

Elsewhere, in the ‘Truly Twenties: Relationships’ Facebook group, one anonymous user seeks advice on what to do about her boyfriend admitting to losing attraction to her. “Leave him, he obviously doesn’t respect you AND doesn’t find you attractive,” one comment under the post reads. “Girl, I’m sorry, but he absolutely hates you,” reads another. The group, which has over 24,000 members, is supposed to be an online community where young women and non-binary people are able to discuss their dating and relationship dilemmas sans judgement.

It’s hard to shake the feeling that dating advice is more brutal than ever. We’re constantly being reminded that “if he wanted to he would”, or that if you’re having relationship issues it’s probably because you’re dating someone who “just doesn’t like you”. It’s something 22-year-old Katie has noticed too. “There’s a guy I used to date while I was at uni and we still link up every so often,” she explains. “But my friends aren’t too keen on him. They keep telling me to ‘air him’ or ‘block him’. It’s like they forget feelings are involved.” She adds that her friends’ lack of compassion is ultimately making her feel worse about the situation. “It makes me feel like I’m wrong for having those emotions, even though I do have a connection with this person.”

Sure, in some cases, tough love can be helpful. Many of us are liable to overlook a sea of red flags when in the throes of a head-scrambling crush (see: the Carrie complex) and often strong words are the only thing which can shatter the illusion. “We can often be blinded by love, desire, and hope for relationships to go well, so it can be useful to get different perspectives on approaches to take in dating,” says Dr Natasha McKeever, lecturer in applied ethics at the University of Leeds and relationship expert at Feeld. Plus, it can be truly freeing to acknowledge your autonomy and take some responsibility for the state of your love life.

But there’s a limit to how much responsibility we can really take for relationship breakdowns. “While understandable, harshness often backfires, since it also contributes to an atmosphere where people may struggle to be vulnerable,” adds Dr Luke Brunning, also a lecturer in applied ethics at the University of Leeds and relationship expert at Feeld. “I would be very wary of online dating advice in general,” adds Dr McKeever. “People come from a huge range of backgrounds, and have diverse needs, personalities, and ways of expressing love and desire. Assuming a ‘one-size-fits-all’ approach, as much online dating advice does, can lead to disappointment, and to attributing ‘meanings’ to others’ behaviour that may not exist.”

Given that many women currently feel as though they have no autonomy in the dating arena, it’s unsurprising that messages which suggest you alone are the master of your romantic destiny are becoming increasingly appealing. “Generally, online dating advice – like much of self-help culture — places the onus on the individual, suggesting that success or failure in relationships is entirely within their control,” explains Dr Jenny van Hooff, senior lecturer in sociology at Manchester Metropolitan University. “This kind of advice is popular because it promises certainty in an uncertain world. It suggests that if you follow a specific set of rules, you can guarantee success.”

This kind of advice is popular because it promises certainty in an uncertain world. It suggests that if you follow a specific set of rules, you can guarantee success

But, of course, the issue with falling in love is that there can never be a “guarantee” of success. “We like to categorise people, and embrace simple frameworks to help us make decisions,” says Dr Brunning. “But people are radically different, and the search for intimacy needs to make space for nuance, uncertainty, and vulnerability.” Dr van Hooff agrees. “Relationships are complex and unpredictable, and no formula can ensure a particular outcome,” she says. “While self-reflection and accountability are valuable, much of this advice crosses into victim-blaming, reinforcing the idea that if a relationship fails, it’s because the individual didn’t ‘play the game’, rather than acknowledging external factors or the actions of others.” 

More often than not, it’s women who are blamed for the failure of heterosexual relationships. Even if a relationship fails as a result of the man’s behaviour – perhaps he was emotionally unavailable, perhaps he cheated – women are still blamed for failing to pre-empt their male partner’s shortcomings. One video posted by dating coach Jacob Lucas lists “five things your boyfriend should be doing for you that are the bare minimum” – but, again, why is this video aimed squarely at straight women? As one of the comments under Lucas’ video says: “put this on his FYP, not mine”.

“Relationship maintenance is still, unfortunately, often thought to be the job of women, who typically do a lot more work to manage the emotions of their partners and of themselves,” says Dr McKeever. “Consequently, women are often held to higher standards – often by each other – than men are, with regard to the work they put into relationships. This is unfair, and can lead to women feeling burned out, unappreciated, and insecure.”

What we need, Dr McKeever says, is “more relationship advice aimed at people from all genders about things like recognising and articulating our own emotions, communicating honestly and non-confrontationally, and listening to and being available for our partners.” This chimes with Dr van Hooff. “The messages directed at young straight men are often incredibly toxic,” she says. It’s true: when creators do encourage men to make personal changes to improve their chances in the dating pool, their suggestions – making money, getting ripped, and repressing your emotions – are terrible. “You have to be as good-looking, as funny, as smart, as spontaneous, as interesting, as charismatic, as rich as possible,” Andrew Tate suggested in one 2022 podcast.

Plus, as Dr van Hooff says, “what’s rarely acknowledged is how much the dating landscape itself has changed.” There are a whole constellation of factors which are making dating feel harder than ever before. Dating apps are now how the majority of couples meet despite being wildly unpopular. At the same time, there’s a crisis of expectation within the heterosexual dating pool. As more and more women have achieved financial independence, it has become less imperative for women to partner up with men for financial security. Consequently, today’s women are seeking emotional reciprocity in their relationships with men – something which men, generally, have not been raised to provide. “Apps, shifting social norms, and broader economic pressures all shape people’s experiences in ways that can’t be [countered by] individual strategy alone.”

Evidently, many of us are feeling disappointed, frustrated, and anxious about our love lives right now. With this in mind, it can be tempting to buy into narratives which argue that it’s possible to achieve the relationship of your dreams if you just do all the ‘right’ things. But the business of finding love will always be a gamble; to pretend that there’s any way of circumventing the risk is a fantasy. Perhaps that sounds bleak. But it can be freeing, too, to acknowledge that if you’re mistreated that usually says very little about yourself and reflects more on the person who let you down. That’s a piece of advice a friend gave me once; it’s safe to say her words – borne out of compassion, rather than sanctimony – have helped me far more than any smug dating influencers have.