One of my dearest friends is someone who was once my boyfriend. We were both in the first episode of the first season of adulthood when we went out and it lasted barely a year, and so when I think of him it really isn’t as an ex. Certain partners over the years – both mine and his – have felt differently, however. They’ve asked for us not to spend time together alone, not text and even cut contact completely. It always seemed bananas to me that anyone would waste time worrying about a man who I hadn’t exchanged a remotely flirty word with in almost a decade, and I’m glad I never listened. 

I’ve also been on the other side of this. A former close friend once told me that his partner didn’t feel comfortable with our friendship, because he and I had met on a dating app a year or two earlier. Naïvely, I assumed it would just blow over. It didn’t. We stopped seeing one another, messaged less and less, and now we don’t speak at all. I’ll never know exactly what happened, but I do know that it sucked then and sucks still. 

As I get older, I’m better at seeing all perspectives and appreciating the complexities involved in transitioning from romance to friendship and then keeping that friendship alive. Still, though, I remain convinced that it’s mostly no big deal! In most cases two people with an undeniable attraction, bond and desire to be together will literally just do that rather than fanny about being friends. So if you find yourself involved with someone and they disclose that they’re close with a former partner, sex buddy or even spouse – don’t despair. Here’s how I’d play it.

Saying nothing when you want to say something is a great way to grow your fears into something monstrous

Firstly, it matters how they tell you and how they’re willing to communicate about it. I don’t think they need to say on the first very date, but it should come from them and would ideally be before you’ve spent much time around their ex-turned-friend. Once you do know, you might feel a certain pressure to feel immediately groovy and chill about the whole thing. But if you are feeling a little bemused deep down, discuss your discomfort and ask questions. Make it known that you’re not accusing anyone of anything, you’re not mad, and you just want the facts. In a good relationship there’s plenty of space for this kind of openness. There’s space for insecurity and all kinds of other tricky emotions to exist – not just those totally underpinned by perfect logic and sense. It’s also fair to ask that your partner not pass on your fears to their friend, and that the conversations about it remain entirely between the two of you. 

It’s easy to think that bottling this up is somehow in service of the relationship and keeping the peace. But saying nothing when you want to say something is a great way to grow your fears into something monstrous, making a potentially minor problem feel like something much bigger and more threatening to your relationship. So, consider your thoughts carefully, air the totally uncensored version to your own pals and then wait until you’re feeling grounded enough to bring it up. 

You might also be tempted to try and befriend the ex-turned-friend, to insert yourself so fully into their union that all lines are blurred and you’re protected from jealousy at their private jokes, their shared history, their closeness. This is another thing I would advise you not to do. It may happen naturally and what a wonderful modern thing if so. But don’t force it. Work on the relationship that really matters – the one with your partner – and allow your closeness with all of their friends develop organically over time. 

Also give yourself some grace if bearing witness to their closeness continues to activate your anxiety, insecurity or jealousy even after you’ve gotten the facts. Whether there’s actually anything to be worried about or not, imagination can be an incredibly powerful force, and it can’t be defeated through willpower alone. 

Give yourself time to assess and resist the urge to blow up and make demands

Of course, sometimes it’s not your imagination. There are many ways that the person you’re dating and/or their ex-turned-friend could be behaving that crosses a line, that shows real disrespect for you and your relationship. There’s a chance that the overfamiliarity could be unconscious, that they’re not aware of how it might look or feel for you. This is where you’ll need write your own rules and draw up an agreement of sorts – boundaries around physical touch, sharing a bed after a night out, taking holidays together, telling each other “everything” when that includes you and private details around your relationship. Only you know what you can tolerate and what makes you feel like you’re being hunted for sport. 

Asking that your partner lose contact with one of their friends should always be your very last resort. It’s simply not a loving action, even if that ex has seen them naked, so before you make any demands really weigh the reality of that. Yes, you might gain a small amount of immediate peace, but in the long term I think it’s a recipe for increased worry, tension and real guilt on your part. In practical terms it’s also one fewer person in their immediate life who loves and knows them well. That’s a real shame if they truly are just mates who tried dating once and found it didn’t work. 

Give yourself time to assess and resist the urge to blow up and make demands. Reframe the situation if possible. I think staying friends with certain exes can be a beautiful thing that speaks to emotional intelligence, warmth and an attitude at odds to the current culture of disposability in dating. Tune out the outdated wisdom of certain online dating coaches and friends who think they know best and decide for yourself if this is going to be major roadblock or just a wee traffic cone – harmless, easy to navigate around, nothing to panic about at all.