Rebecca, whose name has been changed for the sake of anonymity, met her current partner in high school. It was a ‘will they or won’t they?’ situation, but they never dated. Then, years later, they reconnected over Facebook after both going through a divorce. Messenger DM’s turned into phone calls and then into an eight-year long-distance relationship. Now both based in Philadelphia, Rebecca says they were aware there were ‘political differences’ from day one. “But we shared a lot of fundamental values,” she says. “My ex-husband and I were like-minded politically, but that wasn’t enough to keep us together.”

Rebecca and her partner coasted through the early stages of their relationship with the mentality that a person’s vote is their “own business”. But this recent US election felt different. “I gathered my courage to talk to him about it about a week before the election because he has always said he’s not a Trump guy,” she says. “I was hoping that we would be on the same page in this election; that was not the case.” The revelation that Rebecca’s partner was voting for Trump sent shockwaves through their usually solid foundation. “I really thought it was going to be a breaking point for us,” she says. “It was a rough couple of weeks, but lots of tears and some arguing back and forth.” After weeks, they got to a place of “understanding”. Essentially, they agreed to disagree.

As Reddit threads fill with stories of people breaking up because of the recent election, is it possible to make a mixed-political relationship work in today’s extremely divided climate? Todd Baratz, a certified sex therapist and relationship expert, says that trying to avoid politics in a relationship often means everything from suppressing important conversations to emotional repression. “Neither of which provides a thriving environment for intimacy,” he says. “It might be reasonable to wish that we keep politics out of relationships, but realistically, it’s a no and being aligned on fundamental morals and values tends to be a necessary component for couples.”

For some people, like Rebecca, sharing mutual respect, love and joy with a partner makes the heated political debates worth it. “I firmly believe that people cannot be defined by a single story,” she says. “There’s some tribalism at play, and this is by design as politicians work this to their advantage; we are all being manipulated to some extent, so don’t let the puppeteers pull your strings.” She also believes that she’s been “instrumental” in broadening her partner’s perspective. There is, of course, an argument from a strategy perspective for engaging with and having conversations with the other political “side” (especially when it’s your family members), but opting for division in your chosen family is a different story.

Writer Maria Poggi, grew up with conservative family members who always encouraged her to debate politics openly. Now, she’s not actively looking to date a Trump supporter (although she did previously) but is open to having different political opinions than her romantic partner. “I’m getting to the point where I think, unless you really need to preserve yourself, I think isolating people doesn’t help,” she says. “I know I should say it’s an immediate deal breaker for me to date a Trump supporter, but I’ve also dated a lot of liberal guys who treat you like shit and see my friend’s partners say they are apolitical but then follow Trump on Instagram and I feel like that’s more insidious.” For Poggi, the dealbreaker is not a political leaning itself but whether or not her potential partner is ready to have open and honest conversations.

Politics and life have always been intertwined, but people could obviously be in a relationship with someone they didn’t agree with on taxes or student loans. Now, if you know one person voted for Trump, there’s likely a major mismatch in values where someone is endorsing hate.

Despite what the (mostly white) women proudly post about “cancelling” their Trump-loving husband’s vote on TikTok want you to believe, choosing to engage in a mixed political romantic relationship is a privilege, as it’s fundamentally unsafe for Black, trans or queer people to be with someone who doesn’t believe in their right to exist. “I think it’s possible to be in a mixed-political relationship but not healthy,” says Rachel Wright, a psychotherapist based in New York. You have to be coming from a very significant place of privilege to think that politics shouldn't get in the way of a relationship.” According to Wright, the topic of politics hasn’t always been so divisive in American relationships. “Politics and life have always been intertwined, but people could obviously be in a relationship with someone they didn’t agree with on taxes or student loans,” she says. “Now, if you know one person voted for Trump, there’s likely a major mismatch in values where someone is endorsing hate.”

Across the US, this administration, in particular, seems to be dividing relationships in a new way. Even liberals who believe a mixed political relationship is possible when you “respect each other’s opinions”, like Hannah, a 25-year-old senior at Deloitte in New York, are swearing off Trump supporters. Hannah broke up with her ex-boyfriend in September 2024 because of political disagreements. The major cracks in their relationship first arose during the first debate between Trump and Joe Biden in June. While Hannah had always been aware that her ex was conservative, she says this was the first time she understood the full depth of his opinions. “Between the months of June and September, our different opinions caused disputes from bickering to huge fights that caused us to not talk for days (even though we live together),” she says. One night, multiple drinks in, he called her a word that blends “liberal” with a slur and told her that “no one wants to live in Germany” (Hannah is Swiss and German). That was the final straw.

Monique Lemmons, based in Mississippi, posts about the difficulties of being married to a Trump supporter online. They got married four months after knowing each other and have been together now for just over four years. Lemmons is more “involved” in politics but always knew her husband was more conservative than her – but still initially believed he “leaned close to the middle”. “In 2020, this became a real issue,” she says. “He wanted to vote for Trump without doing actual research, so we got into a huge fight, and then he didn’t vote.” Later, Lemmons says she regretted stopping his vote. In 2024, they steered clear of the topic. “Every four years, we have a little bit of tension,” she says. “I have to remind myself our marriage isn’t founded on politics; it’s founded on love, but the thought crosses your mind: what if this part can’t work?”

It’s impossible not to notice that many couples in mixed political relationships don’t exactly seem “happy” (although this is also true for many politically aligned couples). Even those that I spoke to as so-called “success stories” seem to be hanging on by a thread. Sam, whose name has been changed for the sake of anonymity, is a “left-leaning moderate” who’s dated an Israeli conservative man in New York for the past five years. She is Latino and comes from an immigrant family, so naturally, their differences have bled into their day-to-day relationship. Most importantly, he doesn’t stand up to his family for her. “Over dinner, when they are spewing things that are offensive to me, it makes me feel invisible,” she says. “But, recently, hearing him actually say ‘you’re right, that’s so messed up,’ helped a lot.”

Sam’s mom supports Trump, but her dad doesn’t. She believes growing up in a mixed political household opened her up to engaging in one herself  – something that seems to be a recurring theme for those more open to their potential partner’s political leaning. Still, when talking about their future, she says, “We will see”. “I am more offended by his viewpoint than he is by mine, but that’s also because his guy won; If my person had won, maybe it would feel different,” she says. “We are really trying to make it work, and it’s difficult, but I have hope.”

I am more offended by his viewpoint than he is by mine, but that’s also because his guy won. If my person had won, maybe it would feel different.

As America’s political divide widens, so too does the country’s dating pool. To combat the problem, some young straight women are engaging in a sex strike and opting for voluntary celibacy instead of entering a relationship with the red-pilled male majority. Others are simply lying. Quinn, whose name has been changed for the sake of anonymity, says she was casually dating a man in New York who said he was a “proper progressive leftist”. “One day, we were chilling in bed, watching The Vince Staples Show, when he casually mentioned he was voting for RFK,” she says. “He still texts me asking to hang out, but I told him I’d only consider it after he confirmed whether he went red or blue.” His response read: “I AM NOT YOUR ENEMY.”

Quinn believes mixed-political relationships are a symptom of a bigger issue in modern dating: a lack of authenticity and a deep desire to be chosen, even by someone who sees you as a second-class citizen. “Choosing to disengage from politics in relationships isn’t just avoidance; it’s a quiet acceptance of policies that harm you,” she says. And perhaps this encapsulates the crux of why politics can no longer be kept out of date night conversations. “Politics today is less about abstract policy debates and more about fundamental values of who deserves rights, whose voices matter and what kind of future we want to build,” says Baratz. “If something matters to you, address it early – ideally before you become emotionally invested.”