A friend recently used the word ‘flatcest’ when describing the bed-hopping that went on in her third-year university house share. “We never see each other as a group anymore, really,” she said. “The flatcest just made it so awkward.” It revolted me, that word: flatcest. Flatcest? To describe entirely unrelated, consenting adults sleeping together while living under the same roof? Horrible!

Anyway, it also got me thinking about the practicalities of such a thing, especially as more and more of us are house-sharing long after graduation or moving away from parents. How can you date and sleep with someone you’re living with, in a way that isn’t a complete disaster? I spoke to people who’ve made it work and people who’ve made a horrible mess of it, and here’s what I found out. 

First of all, you need to make sure you really, actually, definitely do want to date your housemate. Sit with the impulse. Hold space with the impulse. Is it a real attraction or is it more like when you were at school and there was only one vaguely young male teacher, and so half the student population automatically went absolutely bananas for him? Examine your feelings closely (either alone or with a friend or therapist) before you proceed. Does it come from a place of genuine interest, shared values and high compatibility, or are you just a bit lonely, a bit horny, and they just so happen to be close by looking safe and available?

If you both have other housemates, you should consider how you’ll mention it to them

If you do decide that you can’t possibly not date one another, fine. It is, however, very important to acknowledge that dating your housemate requires more planning and thought than someone with a different front door. It’s complicated! It just is! Your post arrives through the same hole and that changes things. So, you need to know what you’ll do if 1) you want to dump them and 2) they want to dump you.

Do you have the kind of emotional fortitude that will allow you to cohabitate magnanimously with someone who has previously engaged playfully with your nipples but now doesn’t want to anymore? Or will you need to sublet, sleep on someone’s sofa, or convince your landlord to sell up if it all goes wrong? How long is your lease? If you’re staring down the barrel of a 24-month contract with no break clause, then it may be wise to try and be friends for as long as possible before jumping into bed with them. Perhaps they might have a fit friend or a sibling you could get off with instead? Not fun nor sexy to think about, no, but you are a grown-up and so you simply must.

You should also try and act more like two people who are dating than two people who are dating who have also moved in together, because you haven’t really, even though you kind of have. You know? Don’t spend every waking hour together and don’t assume you’re entitled to know where they’re going, what they’re doing and who they’re spending time with. If in doubt, ask yourself if you’d be acting that way if they lived a 40-minute bus ride away.

Don’t spend every waking hour together and don’t assume you’re entitled to know where they’re going all the time

If you both have other housemates, you should also consider how you’ll mention it to them if or when things appear like they’re getting serious. Again: this is just the right thing to do. Just think of how much weirder it would be for them to catch you holding hands or getting a dine in for two meal deal. It’s actually much less faff to say “listen, we’ve started to do romantic things together, we have a plan if we break-up and we will not do foot rubs in common areas. Any questions?” 

When you tell people what you’re doing it’s likely to be met with some judgement and some concern. You will have to explain your decision and the logistics again and again. Try to keep a sense of humour about it, and don’t let other people’s naysaying and doomy predictions get you down. Life is short, romance can be pretty bloody thin on the ground in the 2020s, and if worst comes to worst, you’ve moved house before and can move again.