SABRINA CARPENTER AND OLIVIA RODRIGO HAVE A “GIRL, SO CONFUSING” MOMENT

It’s high time they buried the Joshua Bassett hatchet. In 2025, the two ex-Disney girlies will follow in the footsteps of Charli xcx and Lorde and put their beef to bed, collaborating on a song together and starring in an appropriately tongue-in-cheek music video.

ELON MUSK AND DONALD TRUMP SHARE A TENDER KISS

Followed by the messiest break-up of all time (Trump gets tired of Musk stealing all the limelight from him, Musk punches Trump in the face, Trump orders a hit on Musk, etc etc).

ELON MUSK BECOMES A UK CITIZEN

After Trump dumps him he’ll come running to Nigel Farage on the rebound.

RFK JR BECOMES SERIOUSLY ILL AFTER DRINKING RAW MILK

We tried to warn him.

CHAPPELL ROAN GETS INTO A PHYSICAL ALTERCATION WITH PAPARAZZI

Fair enough ❤️

LANA DEL REY ALLIGATOR BABY

Good for her x

TRISTAN AND ANDREW TATE JAILED

Manifesting 🙏

DRAKE GETS ARRESTED

Please 🙏

NARA AND LUCKY BLUE SMITH GET DIVORCED

Catalysing the subsequent downfall of the tradwife movement.

RAT AT THE MET GALA

Possibly a mouse, but some sort of rodent will be making their Met red carpet debut in 2025.

KEIR STARMER GETS [REDACTED] BY A WASPI WOMAN

🕯️

TAYLOR SWIFT AND TRAVIS KELCE BREAK UP

The showmance has gone on long enough.

TOM HOLLAND AND ZENDAYA REVEAL THEY’VE BEEN ENGAGED FOR MONTHS

One of them will casually mention it during an interview after the journalist spots them sporting a ring.

A FEUD BETWEEN LIAM AND NOEL GALLAGHER SPARKS PANIC ABOUT THE OASIS REUNION TOUR

The Daily Mail will publish pap shots of the pair brawling outside a North London pub; people will freak out; Metro will publish an explainer detailing what your rights are as a consumer if you have tickets to an event which ends up cancelled. But ultimately it’ll be fine and the reunion will go ahead as planned.

LEO WOODALL ON CHICKEN SHOP DATE

Bridget Jones: Mad About The Boy is coming up, so this should be a safe bet actually.

EUPHORIA IS CANCELLED

It is time 🙏

ARIANA GRANDE GETS NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR

People will be livid about it.

NORTH WEST RELEASES AN ALBUM

And it will be terrible ❤️

KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN RELEASES A LEMME GUMMY FOR KIDS

People will be mad for three days, then forget about it.

AMELIA DIMOLDENBERG ON SNL

Why not!

JULIA FOX AND EMRATA START DATING

Why not!

BRYAN JOHNSON GETS A KIDNEY TRANSPLANT FOR NO REASON

Why not!

‘HOT HIPPO BOYFRIENDS’ TAKE OVER THE INTERNET

It’ll be kind of funny until journalists start writing thinkpieces about how the whole thing is toxic, elitist, and promotes unrealistic male body standards.