Introducing How to date when, a new series from Beth McColl which, full of personal anecdotes and practical advice, is here to help readers navigate the jungle that is the modern dating scene.

Being cheated on is terrible. I don’t need to explain that, so I won’t. If you know then you know, and if you don’t then I sincerely hope it stays that way. To have someone you love decide that the thrill of hooking up with a stranger or exchanging badly lit crotch shots with a colleague is worth the potential shattering of your trust, self-esteem and shared future is devastating. It absolutely and utterly sucks. It’s hell! It should come with time off, full sick-pay and a courtesy car.

When it happens it can feel like the deepest and most defining pain of your life, and the idea of doing anything close to dating again feels laughable. But then some time passes and then a little more, and it suddenly isn’t the first thing you think about when you wake up, and you start fancying people on the bus again and the fist around your heart loosens its grip a little, and you realise that you’re ready to – maybe, possibly – try being in love again.

Now, dating after being cheated on is a tricky business. It’s like relearning to ride a bike after your last bike exploded. You’re going to have all kinds of new sore spots, new worries and new triggers for anxiety or suspicion. As such, it can be very hard not to punish the person that follows the person who cheated: a person who may have done nothing wrong but still sparks the same feelings of betrayal and panic when they’re late to call or seem preoccupied or start spending more time on their phone. And while fear and anxiety don’t necessarily mean that you’re not ready to date, they are signs that you need to explore where it hurts and work through the tension of it.

Talking is hard but annoyingly it does help very much. Telling it how it is – I was cheated on and I’m worried about being betrayed again – means that everyone you date is given the opportunity to show up for you with empathy, patience and trustworthiness. Of course, it also means that anyone flighty, indifferent and unsympathetic can self-select as a bad match and leave before real feelings get involved. Which stings, obviously! But also saves you from so much of what is not meant for you. Communicate.

As impossible as it seems when you’re sitting in the ruins of a broken relationship, there’s so much better ahead than what you’ve left behind

Another thing I’d urge you to do is spend as much time as you can with kind and level-headed friends and loved ones – people whose loyalty is proven and unwavering. These are the people to whom you can vent your frustrations to, who can talk you back from the ledge when you’re ready to blow up at an innocent person for the crimes of a past partner. They can help you to guide your heart until you feel confident doing it alone. They can unravel the tangle of feelings around what happened. So surround yourself with good-hearted people and let them help.

You can also let this be an opportunity to reinvent how you date and attach to people. Instead of rushing in with all guns blazing, you can be intentional and patient. You can set the pace and really get to know the people you date, giving them a chance to demonstrate that they’re decent, honest, straightforward, and whatever other qualities you know you’re looking for this time around. Figure out what you need in terms of communication, traits, outlook and values and then don’t settle for less.

Of course, sometimes you might need more than a couple of months and three consecutive rewatches of Fleabag to overcome the pain of an infidelity. If things feel like they’re not getting any better, do consider talking to a therapist or explaining to a GP the effect it’s having on your wellbeing. It’s not unusual at all to want to talk to a professional after a massive personal upheaval and to work with them to build new coping skills and figure out a plan to heal. You haven’t failed for not having a roadmap for loving again after being deeply hurt.

I can only promise that things will get easier, that the world will prove itself far bigger than the ex who cheated, the ex who couldn’t muster basic respect and compassion and instead did the shitty and gutless thing instead. And as impossible as it seems when you’re sitting in the ruins of a broken relationship, there’s so much better ahead than what you’ve left behind. Promise.