By this point, it’s hardly a shocking plot twist that the Labour Party is right-wing, and hard to summon the kind of outrage this realisation might have provoked a few years ago. The party’s 2024 conference – held in Liverpool across the last week – provided further confirmation of what an increasingly large portion of the British public already think: Keir Starmer is a boring liar who is doing a terrible job as Prime Minister.

At first, I planned to write about the crazzzzzziest moments of the conference, but to be honest, nothing that happened was really that crazy: it was mostly just boring, depressing or plain old evil. But everything in this list could be described as “embarrassing”, whether in a rolling-your-eyes-at-a-dad-joke type way or a ‘you should be haunted by a deep and burning shame for the rest of your life’ type way.

PALESTINE PROTESTORS WERE MET WITH AGGRESSION

Prior to the conference, Labour had banned the words “apartheid” and “genocide” from being used in relation to Israel, which tells you how seriously they’re taking the situation. The International Court of Justice – which recently ruled that Israel is violating international prohibitions on racial segregation and apartheid – is clearly too radical for today’s Labour Party. Undeterred, two activists from protest group Climate Resistance interrupted Rachel Reeve’s speech on Monday (September 23), heckling and unfurling banners which read “still backing polluters, still arming Israel – we want change now”. As the pair were aggressively grabbed by security and dragged out, Reeves retorted, “This is a changed Labour Party, a Labour Party that represents working people, not a party of protest.” Starmer’s Labour has been using the line “party of power, not party of protest” for years, but it makes a lot less sense now they are the government: people are protesting them because they are in power! They can’t just keep wheeling out the same old anti-Corbyn cliches everytime they encounter pushback. 

During Starmer’s keynote speech yesterday (September 24), another activist stood up and heckled him about “the children of Gaza”. Impressively, Starmer’s response was even worse than Reeves'. With a smug, self-satisfied grin, he said, “This guy has obviously got a pass from the 2019 conference.” Ha ha ha! Yes, back in the bad old days of 2019, when the party cared about silly, sophomoric issues like the massacre of tens of thousands of children with the active support of the British government – can you imagine lol! Thankfully, now the grown-ups are back in charge we can get back to what really matters, like demonising benefits claimants and trying to force pubs to shut earlier than they already do.

STARMER DEMANDED THAT HAMAS RETURN THE “SAUSAGES”

Labour did everything it could do to suppress criticism of Israel throughout the conference, but the most egregiously disrespectful remark came from Starmer himself. While discussing Gaza, he said, “I call again for an immediate ceasefire in Gaza, the return of the sausages.” While he quickly tried to correct himself, the damage was already done.

No doubt Starmer thought it was a great laugh to make a mockery of the plight of the hostages, insulting one of our closest military allies in the process, but this is actually a very serious situation. It gives me no pleasure to say this, but he must resign immediately. 

WES STREETING GAVE A WEIRD INTERVIEW DEFENDING “GIFTS” FOR POLITICIANS

I’m not suggesting that Wes Streeting was high when he gave a BBC interview about the right of politicians to receive “gifts” from wealthy donors, but he was speaking with a wide-eyed, frantic quality that many of us know will from having been trapped in conversation with the most annoying person at a house party. 

Asked about a week of controversy over Labour MPs accepting free concert tickets and designer clothes, Streeting described donating money to politicians as a “noble pursuit, just like giving to charity”. When the interviewer asked him to clarify whether receiving Taylor Swift tickets is a “noble pursuit,” he quipped, “I’m sure Keir Starmer will shake it off!” The opinion polls say otherwise, but I’m sure the “taking bribes is actually honourable” press tour from the smuggest man in British politics will turn things around.

“IT’S NANDY, BITCH!”

Feel free to accuse me of hating from outside the club, but one of the worst aspects of British party conferences is seeing politicians have “fun”. It’s like seeing your teachers get pissed at an end-of-year party, but about a million times less endearing. 

But lots of journalists disagree on that, so every year we get a quirky human interest story about an MP letting their hair down. This time round it was Lisa Nandy, who performed a DJ set at a UK Music/ TikTok reception, which she opened with “you don’t like Britney Spears, get out of my nightclub – it’s Nandy, bitch!” Maybe in other circumstances, I could file this away as harmlessly embarrassing, but considering Nandy’s recent history of defending Starmer’s record on Israel (to the point of outright lying about it), I refuse to consider her antics charming. None of these people deserve to be having a good time. They should be drinking alone in their hotel rooms and thinking about what they’ve done.