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As any teetotaler will tell you, sobriety brings with it heightened mental clarity, tranquillity, and improved mood as the benefits – and as a number of TikTok creators are claiming, going “boy sober” can reap the same rewards too. “I already feel lighter,” said one user who had gone boy sober for a month. “There’s just always that question lingering like: is that the guy? Is that my soul mate? It’s a 24/7 job and I don’t have to do it anymore. I checked out and it feels amazing.”

On TikTok, #boysober has garnered over 19.8 million views. The movement is part of a broader cultural conversation around celibacy: in 2021, a study by UCLA’s Center for Health Policy Research revealed that 4 in 10 people under 30 reported having no sexual partner in the past 12 months. Recently it’s become evident that straight women are consciously opting out of sex and dating much more often than men in heterosexual dynamics. According to data from Feeld, an inclusive dating app, straight women are 3.7 times more likely than straight men to choose celibacy as a preference, with Gen Z women being the most likely group to use the celibacy tag.

Can we be surprised that women are less interested in casual sex with men? There’s a growing disillusionment with hookup culture, particularly in light of the gender orgasm gap and reaction against Tumblr’s far-from-perfect “sex positivity” movement of the 2010s. Meanwhile, the overturn of Roe v Wade has made sex riskier than ever in the US. In May this year Julia Fox revealed that she’s been celibate for two and a half years, describing it as a reaction to the Supreme Court ruling. “It’s like getting over anything – smoking, drugs, whatever it may be. Eventually, you just forget, and all that energy you were putting towards sex, you can put towards other things.” Earlier this month, Fox came out as a lesbian via TikTok, saying, “Sorry boys! It won’t happen again.” With sex and romance decentered, the space for self-connection, discovery, and clarity can open up.

The phrase boy sober implies the possibility of being boy drunk. The symptoms? Positioning romance with men as a primary focus in life, letting male validation dictate what you wear or how you act, or perhaps spending any time crafting a witty response to a man who only communicates via Instagram story reactions and does not care whether you live or die. More generally, going boy sober means intentionally stepping away from dating and sex for a period of time, and creating space for platonic love, self-compassion, and growth. Here’s how to give it a go.

SET AN INTENTION

This is what separates celibacy and “boy sobriety” from a so-called dry spell. By being intentional about this personal choice, the decision becomes a method of reclaiming agency. Psychologist Zoe Mallett tells Dazed that around 80 per cent of her clients have consciously taken a step back from dating recently. For Mallett, the “why” is key: “Think about what you are trying to gain; maybe it’s because you want to get some time back or focus on yourself for a while.”

Part of this intentionality could involve outlining a specific time frame that works for you. “Pop in a date where you’ll sit down and reflect on your break, to check in with yourself, see how you’re feeling.” Being firm and honest about why you have made this choice and mapping out a timeframe is the first stage of breaking down a concept that may have previously felt unfathomable.

YOU DON’T OWE ANYONE AN EXPLANATION

It’s your body, so fuck anyone who demands an explanation for what you’re doing with it. “Understanding that your decisions about your love life are highly personal and valid can help you to confidently decline to explain or justify them to others,” says relationship psychologist Mairead Molloy. When faced with the inevitable “how’s the love life?” questions from friends or family, Molloy advises politely setting boundaries in a firm and consistent manner. This approach helps you navigate celibacy privately and at your own pace.

RETURN TO YOURSELF

Dating and relationships, particularly unhealthy ones, are easy to get lost in. Going boy sober presents an opportunity to rediscover parts of yourself that may have been lost to dating. “It makes you connect back to yourself more, allowing you to gain more perspective and clarity,” sex and relationship coach Gemma Nice tells Dazed. Nice argues that by returning to yourself, you can heal more than what was hurt by dating, including unresolved childhood trauma. “A great way to reconnect with yourself is to journal. This brings you back into a clear state of mind, allowing you to be fully present and reflect on past traumas or relationships. Try to be compassionate with yourself.”

CONSIDER TAKING A BREAK FROM BIRTH CONTROL

Depression, lack of libido, suicidal thoughts, weight gain, and blood clots are all known possible side effects that many women face when using hormonal contraception – abstaining from sex for a period also provides an opportunity to understand your body without the influence of birth control side effects. Just be sure to use a condom if you do slip up.

KEEP AN OPEN MIND

Nothing has to be set in stone. “Celibacy doesn’t have to be permanent or rigid. It can be a personal choice that evolves over time based on your feelings, circumstances, and needs,” sex therapist Dr Katherine Hertlein tells Dazed. If and when you feel ready to start dating again, do it, and employ all the newfound wisdom that sobriety has taught.