The prospect of a second Donald Trump term is worrying, threatening to bring with it a raft of draconian new laws which could destroy democracy and target the most vulnerable groups in American society. But no politician is all bad, and it’s important to recognise that nuance. In a bold, transformative and forward-thinking new policy proposal, Trump has promised to imprison Mark Zuckerberg.

I‘m joking, of course – a demagogue threatening to jail his critics is not a healthy sign for any democracy. But if you had to choose just one person to be incarcerated as a result of Trump’s tyrannical whims, you could do a lot worse than a billionaire tech founder who has himself played an outsized role in eroding civil society and paving the way for the rise of the far-right. I wouldn’t be signing any open letters or staging any protests outside the US embassy, let’s just put it like that. 

Trump, who has never forgiven Zuckerburg for banning him from Facebook in the aftermath of the January 6 riots, kicked off the latest round of their long-running beef on his social media platform, Truth Social, earlier this week. He wrote, “They have no shame! All I can say is that if I'm elected President, we will pursue Election Fraudsters at levels never seen before, and they will be sent to prison for long periods of time. We already know who you are. DON’T DO IT! ZUCKERBUCKS, be careful!” 

Trump has previously accused Zuckerburg of cheating in the 2020 election, citing a Fox News report which suggested that a donation the Facebook founder made to the Democrats was being investigated. He has also described Zuckerburg as a “weirdo”, and lied about him attending a dinner at the White House – at a time Trump wasn’t even in office – and “kissing [his] ass.”

Boys, boys, boys: this little feud of yours has gone on long enough and it’s beginning to grow tiresome. There’s only one way to settle it. You’ll never defeat Trump in a battle of words, Mr Zuckerberg, but we all know that you’re weirdly jacked and good at martial arts: are you really going to sit here and let this catty old man keep disrespecting you like this? He made fun of your wife! If you fail to assert your dignity and hit him with the karate chop he richly deserves, please don’t come crying to us when he throws you in the White House dungeons.