“Normal country” is a phrase you often hear used to describe the United Kingdom. The justice secretary throwing tomatoes from his Pret salad across the room? Normal! A pub landlady refusing to remove a racist golliwog display in her pub? Normal! Matt Hancock eating camel penis on primetime TV? Extremely! Normal!

But we’re really at our normalest when we’re celebrating the royal family. Cast your mind back to the Platinum Jubilee: to honour the monarch’s 70 years on the throne, people decked themselves in Union Jacks and uncanny masks of Queen Liz while brands flogged everything from sandwiches containing whole, unsliced boiled eggs to discounted lip filler. More recently, just eight months ago, swathes of people dolefully laid marmalade sandwiches at the gates of Buckingham Palace and stoically queued for over 24 hours to get a seconds-long glimpse at a coffin, to commemorate the tragic, untimely passing of a nonagenarian nonce-defender.

Charles is set to be crowned as king tomorrow, and the madness has already begun: from people travelling from overseas just to camp along the Mall and defend an alleged paedophile, to the Met Police announcing that they will have a “low tolerance” for anyone who dares exercise their right to protest, to a range of tasteful Coronation-themed vapes.

Here’s a selection of some of the most touching and profound shows of fealty that people have paid to His Majesty. God save the king 🇬🇧

THE MENTAL ACROBATICS TO DEFEND PRINCE ANDREW

Lots to unpack here. There’s the man who seems to think abuse of power and paedophilia is just an innate part of being a royal (“the royal family’s been the same all through history, hasn’t it?”). He also seems to imply that Andrew would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for us meddling journalists (“it’s just now people like you and the media cover it more and spotlight everything”).

Then there’s a woman interviewed alongside her partner who seems to think Andrew’s gross abuse of power just makes him the weird-but-benign black sheep of the family, on par with having a relative who listens to screamo and has lots of piercings (“in every family around the world, there’s no real normal”). When the interviewer asks about Prince Harry, the couple chuckle and say, in sync, “no comment!”. Very ‘I can excuse sexual abuse, but I draw the line at refusing to tolerate racism’.

PEOPLE DRESSING UP AS HARRY AND MEGHAN

Have this couple dressed up as Harry and Meghan in solidarity with the couple? Or are they mocking them? Either way it’s deeply cringe. Also, is that woman white? Because if so… I think there’s a name for that.

THE MET POLICE GOING FULL FASH

It’s so cheering to see two stalwarts of the British establishment coming together at this time to wholeheartedly embrace fascism ❤️

(If you are protesting this weekend, you can read up on what you need to know here).

A DEEPLY SINISTER CHOCOLATE BUST OF CHARLES

Chocolate Charles looks like he’s seen some things.

COLONIAL ICE CREAM

Chin Chin Ice Cream Labs have decided to mark His Majesty’s ascension to the throne by giving away free ‘crown jellies’ with the first 50 waffle cup sundaes they sell on May 6. As the (literal) cherry on top, you can get a sour cherry Koh-I-Noor – because if there’s one thing worth celebrating this weekend, it’s the monarchy’s role in plundering former colonies ❤️

THIS MAN

FRANCIS BOURGEOIS CONFIRMED TORY

Bourgeois by name, bourgeois by nature! The writing has probably been on the wall since Francis refused to say a word in support of striking rail workers – despite the fact he’s built a lucrative career off the back of the rail industry – but now this bizarre Will and Kate propaganda is the final nail in the coffin. 

SCOTCH EGG VAPES

Vape retailer Riot Labs have launched a tasteful 10-piece coronation collection retailing for £49.99, with each disposable vape modelled on Charles’ famously sausagey fingers (they’ve even included a vape adorned with his famous signet ring). The vapes come in a range of festive flavours, including: English Breakfast Tea, Strawberry Jam, Victoria Sponge, Tea & Scone, Sausage Roll, Scotch Egg, Coronation Chicken, Champagne, Prawn Cocktail, and English Trifle.

Sadly, the collection has now sold out.

THE ABUNDANCE OF FLAGS AND BUNTING

It’s giving Nuremberg x