Pin It
Dick pic
No relationship, no dick – no-one is sitting around thinking ‘I wish a stranger’s dick would just turn up in my inbox, unsolicited’

How to take the ultimate dick pic

Utilise passion, imagination, and self-love to create stunning, irresistible portraits of your dick

As a tween, I once visited the Phallus Museum in Iceland. Uncivilised and inquisitive, I asked about the meaning of the word “phallus”, and my mother simply replied "whale”. Cue a confusing hour at the exhibition, followed by a long, disoriented relationship to penises (and marine mammals). I'm still uncertain why my two faced mother chose to give me the old “dicks are whales” lie, or why she chose to take me to a dick museum.

What I do know is that even in the somewhat liberal and progressive 21st century, genitalia isn't a fully accepted topic of conversation. But I’m ready to talk about them, specifically their role in digital communications, as the unsolicited dick pic is a frequent guest star in the life of me and many other females on social media.

My most recent encounter with the subject was opening Snapchat to find a clean-shaven boner with my name written on it. The 10 seconds of big bold Avenir Next lettering across a pale stranger’s erect penis evidently led me to read up on internet-men and why they are sending me pictures of their genitals. According to research, the epitome of masculinity lives inside the penis. But why shove it in someone’s face? Is it simply in the hope of getting something in return? Is it jealousy of the male gaze and spotlight on female body parts? Or could it be a classic macho dominance thing? Struggling with their incapability to understand a female’s mind, in the heat of the moment, or when dealing with rejection or communication issues, a man might clutter an inbox with erections. On the other side, the surprise attack of a penis can be quite scary. Similar to horror movies, it is an overused but underrated lost art.

“According to research, the epitome of masculinity lives inside the penis. But why shove it in someone’s face?”

I find myself expecting more out of the dick pic. When males fail to reciprocate the effort into turning me on, the relationship is unbalanced. What could have been a turn on is, instead, a major disappointment in the form of a poorly lit cock sweating in the fluorescent glow of a laptop screen. I believe the reason for this most common unimaginative dick pic lies in sexual frustration. And a big trigger for sexual frustration is a lack of love for one’s penis. What follows is a guide on how to use your passion, imagination, and self-love to create stunning, irresistible dick portraits. It’s time to realise that the world is your oyster, your cock its pearl.


Opening up and sharing intimacy will take your relationship to a higher level, at least that’s what “experts” say. It doesn’t quite work if what you open up and share is horrendous, i.e your real personality. But if you want to strengthen your connection to the receiver of a dick pic, make it personal and special for them. Unleash your creativity and imagination. Get yourself some arts and crafts supplies. Have you considered body paint, glitter or temporary tattoos? Remember arts and crafts? You may need to regress to progress.


The green screen is a great tool to bring another dimension into your art. What’s a place your dick has always wanted to go? A cabin on the country side, The Empire State Building or Tokyo? The possibilities are endless, and you don’t even have to leave your house. Remember those Mac Photobooth backgrounds? Or how about a simple slow motion video to accentuate the movements and fine lines of your unique erection? Play around with other mediums and apps. Maybe even Boomerang that boner!


According to selfie guru Kim K, the secret to a good pic is lighting. Most photographers agree that natural lighting is more likely to create a compelling portrait. Your dick pics don’t have to be taken in the predictable dim lit grain of your crap bedroom at 2am. Don’t be afraid to show your true colours. Open up your windows and let the sunshine in.


You can go as far as your mind lets you. There is nothing worse than firing off a gloomy, veiny dick that’s on its way down. If you’re not going to try then why should anyone look? Jesus. It’s an organ of potential – for extreme delight or disappointment. Don’t send one where it looks as though you might be doing the washing up at the same time.

“There is nothing worse than firing off a gloomy, veiny dick that’s on its way down”


You have to ask yourself: is my dick pic Instagram worthy? If it’s not good enough for social media exposure, it’s not good enough to be sending out a press release about. The average person takes at least six selfies before moving on to editing and finally posting. Don’t just fire off the first one. Make sure you consider how you present yourself – don’t do your dick’s reputation any harm with carelessness.


Last but not least - if there’s no relationship, there shall be no dick pic. Do not send pictures for your own pleasure, send them in favour to the recipient. Keep in mind that cyber-flashing is illegal and you could end up dick-slapped with a not so sexy fine or even jail time. No-one is sitting around thinking ‘I wish a stranger’s dick would just turn up in my inbox, unsolicited’, praying for a beep on the phone to reveal a dick they’ve not seen before and don’t know who its owner is. No matter how much men think they do, women really really don’t want that. Only send if you’ve cleared the way to do it.