With the help of a slightly sad, slightly terrifying looking mannequin, the clan are hawking their unwanted Balmain, Vetements, and Off-White on new site Kardashian Kloset
With SKIMS, Kylie Cosmetics, KKW, Poosh, and Rob’s iconic sock line all under their (uber-expensive) belts, the Kardashians just launched their newest business venture, Kardashian Kloset – an online, Hollywood yard sale in which the infamous family open up their extensive wardrobes to us, the masses.
On the site, everything from Gucci suits and Vetements tracksuits to Fashion Nova kaftans and Balmain gowns are up for grabs. Kris Kardashian, meanwhile, is getting rid of pieces from Good American, because what screams proud mom(ager) more than selling your daughter’s designs on the Hidden Hills version of Depop? Exactly.
If you’re thinking you are going to be guided through a high-end experience on Kardashian Kloset, however, you are deeply mistaken. Despite the fact some items carry a price tag upwards of $5,000, they are modelled by a semi-terrifying mannequin with a haunted look in its eyes that doesn’t fill out most of them. Essentially, she is the Barbie you cut the hair and ripped the limbs off as a child, only this time she’s adult-sized and dressed in Off-White.
That said, though, when scrolling through the Kardashian Kloset we couldn’t help but feel inspired. With all you need to take you from the club to the subsequent hungover supermarket run, there is a lewk to suit all of life’s eventualities. Here are our faves.
WHEN THE TAXI IS ARRIVING IN FIVE MINUTES AND YOU HATE EVERYTHING YOU OWN
You stand, dejectedly staring into the mirror, with nothing but a full face of make-up on, your phone vibrating with the dreaded ‘be there in 5’ message in hand. You have decided that every piece of clothing you own is truly, deeply awful. The Uber is coming. You pick up the closest thing. It is this Good American leotard, with its sagging butt, and put it on. You are beaten, but give it two rosés and you probably won’t give a shit.
IT’S MONDAY MORNING, BUT YOU SPENT THE WEEKEND DEEP IN A MINDFULNESS APP SO NAMASTE
You’ve walked into the office after listening to your fifth mindfulness podcast of the morning. Susan from sales has already asked you 12 times how the printer works, but it’s okay because you’ve done your breathing exercises and know that this Hip Chick Couture jacket is right, and love really is the answer.
EMERGING FROM YOUR ROOM AFTER A FOUR DAY LONG DEPRESSION NAP
It’s Tuesday afternoon and you have not left your room in days. Finally you emerge from your slumber, wrapped in a $1,500 MaxMara look procured from Kris Jenner’s very own closet, which sits somewhere between winter coat and uber-bougie dressing gown. You’re ready to leave the house... after another 14 episodes of Kourtney and Kim Take Miami, that is.
WHEN YOU HAD VISIONS OF ALL INCLUSIVE IN THE BAHAMAS BUT ENDED UP IN MAGALUF
You started out with grand plans for a five-star getaway, but, (spoiler!) since you’re not actually a Kardashian, you’re sat by a murky pool drinking a lukewarm glass of Zinfandel. Despite your surroundings, you’re still turning five-star lewks, showing up to the same restaurant you’ve been eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner at for the past week with a full face of make-up, a blowdry, and this tie-dye Fashion Nova kaftan on, ready to stuff your face with a little of the local cuisine (spaghetti bolognese).
THE ONE THAT WILL GET YOU INTO BERGHAIN (...MAYBE)
People spend hours, days, months, even YEARS agonising over what to wear to get into Berlin techno temple Berghain, but thankfully Kardashian Kloset has your back. Turn up on Sunday morning in Kris Jenner’s Balmain and it’s practically guaranteed (do not @ us) you’ll waltz past Sven without even a whisper of a nein.
IT’S 3PM ON SUNDAY AND YOU'VE BEEN NOMINATED FOR THE HANGOVER SNACK RUN
It's late afternoon on a Sunday after you’ve been out on a rager and no one has left the flat all day – and, after hours of arguing as to whose turn it is, you have been designated the chosen one. With a list comprising Pringles, Twirl Bites, and industrial amounts of Ribena, you enter the shop to a sympathetic look from the checkout worker. “It's VetMAHNTS,” you assure them, as you leave with your pride (just about) intact.
IT'S YOUR FIRST DAY AT CSM AND YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE YOU BELONG THERE
You have successfully convinced your entire family that fashion is, in fact, your passion – now you just need to get your course leader on your side. What better than a piece by iconic former student Alexander McQueen draped nonchalantly over your shoulders? No top underneath, because you're avant-garde now honey.
WHEN YOU NEED A NEW LOOK FOR YOUR FOURTH HUSBAND'S FUNERAL
Your beloved fourth husband died under mysterious circumstances, and your only option was to show up to the funeral in this floor-sweeping Roberto Cavalli gown. From the pews, Kris Jenner gives you an approving smile as you pretend to wipe away a single tear, and, as “National Anthem” by Lana Del Rey plays, you coolly begin spending your $1m inheritance in your head.
WHEN YOU HAVE CAPITALISED THE ENTIRETY OF HOLLYWOOD THROUGH YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD, THIS
The woman who turned her own family into a business. The woman who coined the term momager. Kris Jenner has done it all, and when you have too, you can put on this top, look in the mirror and say to yourself ‘you’re doing great sweetie’ – because you are.