It’s time to debunk the myth that poly people are ugly

What comes to mind when you picture someone in a polyamorous relationship? A few weeks ago, content creator @realandrewbrigs received over six million views when he posed a question on TikTok: “Why do people in open relationships always look like that? I’m being very non-specific here, but you know what I’m talking about.”

Soon after, a wave of stitches about polyamory, open relationships and ethical and consensual-non-monogamy (CNM) appeared across the platform. Many claimed that polyamorous people “don’t give a shit about what they look like”, “look like they stink”, or were just inherently unattractive. But where do these stereotypes stem from?

There has been increased visibility of polyamorous – or at least polycurious – people in the media, from 2024’s Challengers, Sam Bankman-Fried and his polycule, to the growing popularity of dating apps like Feeld (explicitly meant for those who are “curious to experience relationships in new ways”). According to one 2023 study, over 20 per cent of people – one in five – in the United States have participated in CNM. “That’s about the amount of people who have a cat,” says Dr Christine E Leistner, a professor at California State University, Chico, who specialises in sexual and relational health. 

Despite the numbers proving that polyamory is fairly widespread, the stereotypes around it are deeply entrenched, from criticism that it’s hurtful and manipulative, to assumptions about people’s appearances. In 2017, comedian Chris Fleming made a satirical music video titled, “Polyamorous”, which still gets thousands of likes when shared on TikTok today. Some of the lyrics read, “Just because I have bad hair doesn’t mean that I’m polyamorous” and “It’s never who you want to be polyamorous who’s polyamorous/It’s usually the guy at the Verizon store/Who wears vests to parties.” Meanwhile, posts calling poly people ugly regularly go viral on X (“Think of the ugliest white person you know? They’re polyamorous aren’t they”). Notably, according to a 2021 study conducted by the Kinsey Institute, only one out of seven people indicate that they respect others who engage in polyamory.

Much of this disdain stems from our desire to punish, criticise or ostracise anyone who departs from expected societal norms – in this case, monogamy and the institution of marriage. And, as Dazed culture editor Halima Jibril wrote last year, there has long been a link between beauty and morality: deviation from beauty ideals has often been associated with deviation from morality, and vice versa.

CNM is also heavily associated with counterculture and queerness. Although plenty of straight people participate in it, Dr Leistner posits that queer or gender non-conforming people are more likely to reject monogamy due to already being marginalised (this is supported by stats: according to The Kinsey Institute, people who identify as gay were more likely to report previous engagement in CNM). This brings to mind the term “compulsory monogamy”, which builds on Adrienne Rich’s concept of “compulsory heteronormativity”, popularised in the late 80s. Compulsory monogamy refers to the societally given expectation that everyone participates in monogamous relationships, similar to the heteronormative assumption that everyone is naturally attracted to those of an opposite, binary gender. Though society has become more accepting of alternative relationship models, Western beauty standards can muddy our perception of polyamorous people when they present as gender-fluid or androgynous.

“Those who don’t subscribe to Western beauty standards aren’t trying to ‘fit in’, so they’re often the most visible poly folks,” shares Zachary Zane, the sex and relationship expert for Grindr. However, he notes that he knows plenty of poly people who present in more “traditionally attractive” Western standards. “When monogamous people call poly people ‘ugly’, it’s often [directed] at the folks who are presenting differently.”

The current political landscape has amped up legislative hostility toward trans and queer people, especially in America, which has in turn increased cultural and societal hostility. “Politically, we’re seeing some huge changes happening with the Trump administration and the policy they are trying to implement with no-fault divorce,” says Dr Leistner. She emphasises how this specific legislation, anti-trans policy, and the overall push against women’s rights are establishing a conservative political and cultural environment for these CNM stereotypes to re-emerge. “It’s about controlling people’s freedom to express themselves, to be themselves with their gender, with their sexuality, with their relationship dynamics,” she says.

Content creator Ryan, who took part in the TikTok discourse, believes that culture is “shifting towards a very hyper-conservative, ‘traditional’ nuclear family model”. “It exists in the entire ecosystem of TikTok,” he says. “Whether it’s the tradwife content, the 6”5-blue eyes-finance trend, or the whole manosphere.”

However, despite all the stereotypes, all people who engage in polyamory obviously don’t look the same – and there are statistics to prove it. According to the Kinsey Institute research, there is no discernable difference between single people who have or have not engaged in CNM, in terms of political affiliation, age, regional location, race and ethnicity. This indicates that there is a vastly diverse population of people who are consensually non-monogamous. In other words, people who are poly, or open to it, do not “all look the same” in appearance.

But even if they did, and the look wasn’t to someone’s taste, who the fuck cares? As Zane puts it, “Like what? People who you think are ugly aren’t deserving of love? Even if you don’t find these people attractive, they still deserve respect and a loving partner (or three).”