Are we caught in a culture of never-ending catch-ups?

After locking in plans with friends, I often send the following text: “I’m excited to catch up!” Said dinner or drinks may be days, weeks or even months in advance, but finding an allotted slot to chat about our lives feels in the moment like investing in the friendship. Then, we both get back to the monotony of busy schedules, commitments and workout, skincare, haircare and whatever-other-care routines – knowing that a “catch up” is imminent; a time to finally debrief about our thoughts and feelings with people we want to speak with the most. 

But my friendships haven’t always existed in this liminal space of over-planned hangouts. In college, for example, most days were spent sharing moments with friends. We’d go to class, play music while getting ready at home and then go out together. In the morning, we’d call to debrief on the evenings that (usually) we were all there for. That isn’t to say there aren’t moments where life feels like this – but, often, our now-adult schedules get in the way of that level of spontaneity and togetherness. After entering the workforce, it can feel like everyone you care about is living their lives alongside their co-workers and partners, and then working hard to find a time to simply keep you in the loop. This trap is what people are calling “catch-up culture”.

Michelle Elman, author of Bad Friend, uses the term catch-up culture to describe the hamster wheel of recapping your life to loved ones. “You go on these dinner dates, where you catch up with friends, but you are not experiencing life together,” she says. This may leave our friendships feeling stuck in time. “You only really pick up the meal where you left off last time, which could be months, and it almost feels stunted,” says Elman. “Your life is only ever since your last catch-up, and you aren’t talking about the bigger things in life, like your future, or the menial day-to-day.”

The shift from hangouts to scheduled check-ins is something that has always been part of transitioning into adulthood. Still, Elman believes the dissolving of group hangs, the loss of neighbourhoods and the rise of social media have all contributed to the culture of never-ending catch-ups today. “I think technology gives us the illusion that we are caught up on each other’s lives,” says Elman. And it’s true: it’s easy to use Instagram stories as conversation starters. Instead of the simple “How are you?” we’ve begun to engage in conversations with a level of presumed familiarity. By assuming that people will post updates or share them at the next catch-up session, we can lose small details that actually make many feel cared for, like how a meeting went and who you saw on a walk (or if you saw a bird). 

Amani Orr, a 31-year-old in New York, describes her social life as a “constant cycle” of dinner and drinks. “For my group of friends, post-college, we were all living within a couple of blocks from each other, and dedicated friend time was sitting on the couch, enjoying a home-cooked meal and watching a movie together,” she says. “As time went on, I realised people started to get into committed relationships, slow down a bit and leave for pockets of Brooklyn or Hudson for a slower pace of life and peace of mind.” Research shows that the process of drifting apart is most noticeable between the ages of 25 to 30. Now in her 30s, Orr not only sees her friends less, but how they engage with each other is different; with a limited time for deep connection, she refers to the dynamic as a “maintenance check”. 

“It feels like checking in to make sure we’re still friends, instead of doing the work to be in a committed relationship,” Orr says. “I miss going to the grocery store, getting a wax or doing a workout class together, which were little times we would connect and chat on the train on the way there.” Catch-up culture is something Orr is actively working to break free from: scheduling activities with her close friends instead of dinners to create new memories together. Jaime Bronstein, a licensed therapist and resident expert at Dating.com, also recommends sharing short voice notes, stories, thoughts, articles, podcasts or memes throughout the week to foster genuine connections and avoid communication monotony. 

My friendships were slowly turning into transactional instances of scheduling morning coffees, similar to the corporate world. It feels like I’m not growing alongside them as a person, and every time we catch up, I’m supposed to bring something new to the table

Studies show that it takes roughly 90 hours of quality time for connections and move from acquaintances to friends. This can include, according to Bronstein, watching thought-provoking movies, participating in workshops or card games, or even attending a music festival. “It all boils down to living and sharing experiences and emotions,” she says. “When we experience something together, it boosts our empathy and the so-called ‘happy hormones’: dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and endorphins, as well as strengthening social support.” When we don’t share these positive bonding experiences, it can lead to feelings of isolation. 

There’s an element of catch-up culture that feeds into heteronormative ideas around the nuclear family: the idea that we should be living lives with partners, and then reporting back to our friends about it. We’re encouraged to express when we feel lonely and disconnected in a romantic setting, but platonic relationships don’t always have the same in-built expectations. Meanwhile, many of the traditional measures of being “successful” – like living alone or with a partner – tear you further and further away from living in community with friends. There’s also a pressure that comes with living within a culture of “life updates”, especially for those who are in different stages and circumstances than their peers. “My friendships were slowly turning into transactional instances of scheduling morning coffees, similar to the corporate world,” says Nicole So, a content creator in London. “It feels like I’m not growing alongside them as a person, and every time we catch up, I’m supposed to bring something new to the table.” Instead, So says she has started asking friends for a high, a low and something interesting they’ve done or learned recently. “I feel like it’s made my friendships more real and deeper,” she says.

After So shared a TikTok video on how she feels about catch-up culture, she says many of her friends reached out to express that they felt similar. “Now, we don’t catch up over dinner any more, we might run errands together or play a new sport,” she says. Only that requires having similar schedules. For Piper Mae, a 24-year-old in New York, that can sometimes feel impossible. “I don’t work a regular nine-to-five job like a lot of my friends do, which really has only led to having random short periods of time together,” she says. “It feels like  I have to drop some dramatic work or life story over a glass of wine every time we get together because the time feels more emotionally weighted when it’s scarcer.” Mae’s solution (for now) is to schedule things weeks in advance, although she admits it’s not ideal. 

The paradox of attempting to break out of catch-up culture by scheduling activities weeks prior is that it, once again, can feel like work. “It doesn’t feel easy,” says Atomic Annie, a New York City drag queen. “It feels like another obligation or level of labour.” Annie is often out and about at events, which could give the appearance to some of a robust social life, but even those brief interactions become catch-ups. “It’s genuinely nice to see people, but it feels like certain relationships can be confined to like the four walls of a club or of like a nightlife space,” says Annie. “I’ve had to speak to people with really clear intention and interest in pursuing a relationship to find people who I know who I could depend on consistently, and create an inner circle that felt less surface level.”

Fighting against catch-up culture isn’t easy because it involves challenging every element of what’s considered “productive” adulthood, where work, personal development and romantic relationships often take priority, while “unproductive” hours lounging around with friends fall by the wayside. It also may involve confronting our addiction to instant, Instagrammable gratification: a quick photo of dinner and the most outrageous story we can leave with. “If you have only a shorter period of time, you find quicker information more interesting,” says Mae. “In our day-to-day lives, it’s how fast-paced culture sneaks up on us.” It’s only after the big catch-up, once the major updates have settled, that we get into the minutia of actually intimate conversations.