It’s rare for two people in a relationship to party at exactly the same rate – but is it possible to bridge the gap between drastically different going-out habits?
Anna, a 22-year-old in Vancouver, Canada, met her current partner at a party her ex-boyfriend didn’t come to. “He was someone who didn’t enjoy being around people at all, whereas I’m the complete opposite,” she says. This caused a major party-gap in their relationship; a drastic difference in how each person in a relationship likes to go out. It went like this: they were together for six years, with Anna initially attempting to compromise and stay in more, before starting to simply go out without him. “It was so strange, but surprisingly, it was a relief,” she says. “I could go out and enjoy the evenings without convincing him to come along or worrying about his discomfort.” One evening, earlier this year, that led Anna to an open mic night with her friend. There, she locked eyes with her current partner, and they “clicked immediately”. Just over two weeks after the party ended, so did Anna’s previous relationship. “Now, in my new relationship, we socialise and we show up for each other and our friends,” she says.
Anna’s experience is practically a horror story for more introverted people who are dating extroverted party-goers. While the takeaway can’t be that if you don’t go to every party with your partner, they will replace you, the topic of partying can easily become a heated debate for many couples. So, how do you bridge a party-gap? Rachel Wright, a psychotherapist in New York, says this topic comes up often in her work with couples. “One partner thrives on stimulation, spontaneity and social energy, while the other recharges through rest or intimacy at home,” she says. “The conflict is rarely about the partying or going out itself; It is about what those choices represent to each person.” Where one person may view nightlife as a means of connection, relief, or a way to maintain their identity, another may see it as risk, distance or avoidance. “When the difference stays unspoken, resentment builds quietly,” says Wright.
For Annika, a 23-year-old in Los Angeles, a different approach to partying caused issues in both of her major adult relationships so far. “My first relationship was a major party gap relationship because there was a massive difference in perspective on alcohol and his attitude toward my tendencies to go out,” she says. “It would be this spiral of, ‘Well, if you go out by yourself, all the guys there will ask where your boyfriend is tonight,’ when really it was as simple as do you or do you not want to go out?” But rarely is it actually that simple: Annika says he started expressing a desire to go out, but it would stem from a place of insecurity, where he felt like he needed to match up with her. “He started going out more at the tail end of our relationship, but he was cheating on me,” she says. In Annika’s more recent relationship, it was her ex-boyfriend’s cocaine use that caused issues in their relationship. “I just like didn't really enjoy the way he acted when he was using it,” Annika says.
Having been on both sides of the party-gap, Annika is now looking for a partner who can be “freak for freak”. “I want someone capable of going out with me, who doesn’t rein me in, but who I don’t feel like I have to rein in either,” she says. “I want to be equal.” This dynamic does have scientific backing: studies on lifestyle incongruence show that when partners have very different social rhythms, it can predict long-term dissatisfaction, unless they create shared norms. However, very few people, friends included, party in the exact same way. Even who parties “harder” is also up for interpretation. Is it one who stays out later or who goes out more often? The one who drinks more, or the one who does more drugs? Wright says the most common pattern she sees with clients is mismatched schedules, feelings of exclusion or rejection, social partners feeling judged or controlled, trust concerns and power struggles about who is being “responsible”.
Before meeting each other halfway, whether that be at the bar or at home, Wright says you need to understand what the behaviour means emotionally to each other before trying to change it. This means asking questions about what “going out” provides them, coming to clear agreements about check-ins and finding the balance between independence and accountability. And for party-goers, that can mean getting real with yourself about your relationship to going out. For example, Nicole*, a 28-year-old in Detroit, Michigan, says she used to do cocaine with her partner until, at some point, he decided to do it less often. “He gave me an ultimatum because he was concerned about the long-term effects and our future,” she says. On reflection, Nicole says she realised the drug had become an unspoken part of her weekends in a way she never intended it to be.
I want someone who is capable of going out with me, who doesn’t rein me in, but who I don’t feel like I have to rein in either
For Athena, a 27-year-old in Atlanta, it was the fiancé that had to go, not the partying. “We met at a coffee shop where we were both reading, so it was a very introverted activity, but I like going out, and he liked to play video games,” they say. “For me, it was not that he wouldn’t go out himself; he was just judgy about me going out, which didn’t feel good when he wanted me to spend time with him but wouldn’t even go out for dinner.” In the end, Athena says their “inability to stay home” wore him out. They ended last year, after dating for a little over a year, but early on in their relationship, he was “extroverted-presenting”, according to Athena. “He wanted to be on my level, but then it slowed down, and I almost felt tricked,” they say. “He tried so hard to be what I wanted that he wasn’t looking out for himself.”
It could be easy to think that the answer to party-gap problems is simply going out everywhere together all the time, but Wright says that’s not the case. The key is for both people to feel autonomy and relatedness, where neither feels controlled but both feel considered. “Freedom matters, but so does respect for each other's needs,” she says. “To be very clear, this isn't about policing behaviour, and these discussions need to have a vibe of protecting the safety and connection in the relationship.” It’s a balance that can be hard to achieve, and Wright says that going out together can help bridge the gap, but can’t be forced, or that can build further resentment. “Healthy couples find a balance of independence and togetherness; Some weekends, they may go out together, but other weekends, they do their own thing,” says Wright. “What keeps them steady is the communication and mutual respect underneath those choices.”
Jalen*, a 31-year-old in New York, says he’s him and his long-term girlfriend are “still figuring out” their party-gap. They started dating in the spring, which meant they started socialising together right smack dab in the middle of summer. “There was an ease of grabbing a drink after work, which can quickly become a night out, until she realised, ‘We’ve been doing this a lot, what’s going on?’ he says. “It parlayed into a larger conversation around it being fun, but not necessarily a rhythm or pace that she can sustain, or is healthy, which is totally fair.” But events kept popping up, as they do in New York, and Jalen says they’ve had to have ongoing conversations about how often they were out. Now, they aim to go out less often, but with more moments of quality time with friends (and each other). “It’s a healthier medium, but I don’t want to make it seem like it was cured after a handful of conversations,” he says. “I think what’s interesting about being in a relationship is the point of differences and understanding how people find fulfilment and stimulation.”
Compatibility isn't about identical preferences and lifestyles. It depends on how flexible and respectful both people can be
By approaching the topic of going out with curiosity, not judgment, a party-gap doesn’t have to end a relationship – nor does it have to prevent one from potentially blossoming. Those interested in finding out early on if your social rhythms align, however, can ask one of Wright’s suggested questions: What does your ideal weekend look like? Or, how do you usually recharge after a long week? “Compatibility isn't about identical preferences and lifestyles,” she says. “It depends on how flexible and respectful both people can be.” For Brooke*, a 29-year-old retired party girl, it’s fairly flexible. “My boyfriend parties more than me, which is weird because I still party a lot, but I always feel like a shrew trying to verbalise it,” she says. “It’s weird drawing a fake line in the sand of ‘too much’ when I’m still partying.” It’s not so much the partying that’s getting to Brooke, she says, it’s the expectation that she and her partner need to be going out together. It’s also the perceived judgment that if she leaves earlier than him, she’s deeming his behaviour as somehow unacceptable.
“I want to see my girls, I don’t really want to be around his boys, and I prioritise my sleep,” says Brooke. “I’m a retired party girl, and he’s younger than me, so I get it. Have fun, I’m not shaming you.” It’s a conversation she says she’s currently building up the courage to have with him – on a night he’s not out partying, of course.
*Names have been changed